Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/25/2007

Question
How do you deal with a commitment phobic man? The man I love is wonderful to me and treats me exeptionally well but I know he has been hurt by many women in the past...how do I keep him from running away?

Answer
Hello Ana!

You mean *A* man since we're all commitment-phobic to one degree or another!

First off, realize that just because he's been hurt in the past has no bearing on what you do or don't do now. You're not his therapist, you're his girlfriend. He needs to deal with those issues himself and frankly, there's not really that much you can do to help him.

The first thing to dealing with commitment-phobic men is to understand how we view "commitment". It's very different from how YOU view it.

To you, commitment means love, future, success, status, family, safety and many other positive feelings. To men however commitment means stress, responsibility, loss of freedom, loss of choice and many other negative things.

Now, if you try to convince a guy that committed relationships are all about YOUR view rather than his, he may listen to you politely, but he'll never buy it. In effect, you'll do just as well speaking to a wall.

Instead, what you need to do is to discover what your man is willing to trade for the commitment you seek. In other words, what will make him take on stress and responsibility and give up his freedom and choice to give you what YOU want?

You need to get started trying to find out what he really wants in a relationship and what would be so devastating to lose that he forgets the negative things and focuses on what you have to offer.

As soon as you discover that, all you then need to do is to be that woman to him. At that very instant, you'll have your commitment.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
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www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"