Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/1/2007

Question
My name is Justin and I’m a Freshman in college. I met this girl about 2 weeks into school so I’ve known her for all of about 4 months. This girl is the definition of amazing by the way. I asked her out a while ago but I didn’t know that she had just got out of a relationship. So, she told me that she wasn’t quite ready for that stuff because she still not over him and that it wouldn’t be fair to her or me. That was cool but I still like very so much. I spend a lot of time with her and we talk a lot and are very comfortable around each other. Some days it seems like she likes me a lot but is just too shy to do anything about it and others, it just seems odd. Not like we are just buddies and not like we are strangers but just odd. I don’t want to ask her out again because I don’t want it to seem like I’m bugging her. I’ve asked her to hang out a few times but she’s had to work on the days that I am free. I don’t think she is just making excuses either because she really does work all the time so it’s hard to find a free day to do anything.

I guess my question is, what should I do in this situation? I want to be with her and I don’t think I’ve fallen into that dreaded friend zone that you speak of. :P (Nice web site by the way) and even if you do think that I have, I would still like to try to be with her.  

Answer
Hello Justin!

You don't think you've falled into the friend-zone? I do!

Let's consider a few things here, shall we?

Let's say that you weren't Justin, you were Brad Pitt. Do you think she'd have told you that she didn't want to be 'unfair' to you? Do you think she'd be saying that she was just out of a relationship?

Of course not! She'd be going nuts trying to get him to date her!

So, what's the difference between you and Brad? Looks? Maybe, but if you've read much of what I've written here on the board and on my website, you'd know that's not the issue.

Is it money? Not likely either. This is just a symptom of the real reasons which are simply this: power and options. She would know that if she didn't take the opportunity when it came, that she'd lose out.

What sort of power and option do you show here? Answer: none. You let HER dictate the rules. You let HER keep you right where SHE wants you. You have done nothing to change that either. This is exactly what the friend-zone is all about.

Let's take another example. Let's say that it was me that approached her instead of you. I'd have done a few things differently:

1) If she gave me that line about the ex, I'd have said, "Look, it's over right?" [she'd have said yes] "Fine, then let it be over! It's time to move on with your life."

2) If she gave me that line about not being "fair", I'd have said "Only I get to decide what's 'fair' for me. Here's what's 'fair': you getting over this by meeting a great guy and not even looking back."

3) If she tried to become my friend instead of something more, I'd have told her, "Sorry, I already have enought 'friends' and that's not what I'm looking for with you."

4) Finally, I'd be off on a date with someone else that very weekend.

Why these differences? Simple: I have these choices to make. I don't have to let her dictate my direction.

So Justin, what about you? You haven't express any power to her and you're still sitting there not wanting to "pressure her". That's ridiculous!

If you haven't already, go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and click on BAM TV. Then, watch the video on "Friends". Next, click on "Self Help" and read my FAQ's and the 3 articles it links you to regarding how to turn a friend into something more.

To be honest, you probably have little or no chance with this girl now, but the articles will tell you what you need to do next.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"