Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/24/2007

Question
Hey Dr. Neder. I just wanted to know if it is bad thing to treat a girl too well/spoiling her when I am dating her? Kind of like the "nice guys finish" thing. thanks

Answer
Hey Allen!

It's far worse to mistreat a woman you're dating, but in fact, you don't want to constantly be the "nice guy" either by treating her too well or spoiling her - especially early in the relationship.

This is often confusing to guys - exactly what do women want in us anyway? Many guys think that women want guys that are "sensitive" but when we show our sensitive side, they pack up and leave. Some guys think women want romance, so we act loving and romantic and they leave. Other guys think that women want jerks, so we mistreat these girls and they leave. So, just what in the hell do they want anyway?

In order to understand this, you first need to realize an important issue about how women see us. Every single woman you meet is going to try to evaluate your potential as a partner and provider. You're going to get an unconscious "score" and based on that score, she'll decide her next move - and that score keeps changing.

Many guys mistakenly believe that it's their looks that set this score because that's how we guys do things. This is VERY dangerous! Sure, women like looking at good looking men just like we enjoy looking at good looking women, but that's not their most important criteria when judging a possible mate. In fact, it's down around 5th, 6th or even lower for some women!

This is something I'm writing about in my new book, but I'll give you the gist of how this evaluation process works.

First, women don't want to be chased by men, they want to DO the chasing. They want to "date up" in other words - someone that they feel is more "powerful" than they are. The trouble is that you usually don't know up front how any particular woman defines "power". For some women it's attitude, for other's it's size, for other's it's potential and for other's it's income - and there are thousands of others ways women determine power as well; including combinations of all these things.

So, if you spoil some girl by always being there, giving her gifts, constantly telling her that she's beautiful, etc., it eventually comes off as you not having enough power otherwise to keep her and she begins to look around.

As time goes on and you continue to date you can let this up a little at a time - giving slightly more - but you have to be careful not to cross the line of seeming needy because that equates to minimum power.

You see, women want to be the "feminine energy" in any relationship. If you're the needy, clinging, sensitive one, guess which one they have to be? Yup - the "masculine energy". Women don't want to have to do this!

This is all pretty confusing for most guys because it's a balancing act. However, if you look at every situation and consider whether your actions present masculine or feminine energy to the relationship, you'll be much better off that always trying to treat her over-well or spoil her.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"