Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/10/2007

Question

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I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 18 YEARS MY MARRIAGE IS GOING DOWN THE TUBES BECAUSE OF LOVE AFFAIR, I love this woman,she loves me to, all we can do is think about each other our minds are on each other 24hrs a day we have been lovers for the past 18 month i mean lovers we have sex almost everyday if possible, i am married and so is She i have 3 kids all under the age of 15 2 boys and a girl, she has none she is 32 and i am 38 what do we do should we keep on meetings in secret or just take off and be together please helps us we cannot keep on going like this it is hurting ME so much, we don't know what to do, I SUGGEST PEOPLE TO NEVER EVER GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP IF YOU ARE MARRIED THE CONSEQUENCES ARE TERRIBLE. please reply ASAP thank you


Answer
Hello Ben!

I've already answered this question for you. See below.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
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You just answered the following question:

Name: Ben

Subject: don't know what to do

Question: i love this woman and she loves me to all we can do is think about each other our minds are on each other 24hrs a day we have been lovers for the past 18 month i mean lovers we have sex almost everyday if possible, i am married and so is he i have 3 kids she has none she is 32 and i am 38 what do we do should we keep on meetings in secret or just take off and be together please helps us we cannot keep on going like this it is hurting so much we don't know what to do, please reply ASAP thank you

Answer: Hello Ben!

First, let me apologize for the late reply - I usually try to respond within 24 hours, but the new year brought with it a system-down problem!

Normally, if kids weren't involved this would be a different question. You didn't mention the age of your kids, but if they're under 16 I think you have a problem.

I believe that kids have priority over anything else in our marriages or lives. You see, having kids is the most selfish thing in the world you can do! The kids didn't ask to be born, it was because you and your wife wanted them - and made the decision for them. Thus, they have to come first and your wants and needs have to come second - or later.

Your kids deserve to have their father in their lives and changing the marriage is definitely going to change the relationship with the kids. Many women will use the kids as a weapon against the father - and our courts allow them to do it easily! Thus, I think you need to consider first how to keep the marriage together long enough for your kids to grow up. It's apparent that your marriage is at least shaky if not all-but-over, however you need to prevent this affair from impacting the family in any way.

With that said, how can it not affect the family? While you're doing what you need to do in order to pay the bills at home and be "dad", you're not exactly "present" and that is going to affect the home-life to some degree or another.

As well, your focus on this woman is also going to have an impact. You're spending much time thinking about her (as she is of you) and the home-life has to suffer because of it.

With all of this said, I think that you've been together long enough to prove that this is more than just a fling. Frankly, I have to problem with these flings as many relationships change over time. If you and she can handle the issues at home (and your kids won't be affected by it) you're much better off ending the marriages and moving forward with your relationship. I'm assuming that's what she wants too.

As I say, you wouldn't cut a dog's tail off piece by piece, you'd do it all at once and get it over with. This is the same with ending a marriage. Don't let it linger and die a slow, painful death. If you and she are not where you want to be, then set your partners free and let them move on too. Just make sure you're performing this major surgery for the right reasons and that you've done your homework.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"