Expert: Aaron Beck - 12/22/2006

Question
well imjust having troubble getting her to think im sinser..
and i only want one two is bad and not a good idea...and i never knew i was cheating i didnt want to cheat yet she thinks i did it on purpose but i cant get her to think it was an acident...i kinda whiched off i guess ..but there was that night when i was going out wiyth both...a good idea would have bee nt owait untill the next day break up with the first but i could'nt..and i just want her back..and its alright if you could'nt help as soon as possible..you have a life too. right..
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

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hello again...14yrs-->

well um about a good time from now i was going out with this girl who i thought was great.... until i got to know her real well...we talked alot and i thought it was alright, then again i guess i started to like this other girl i thought about it so much it drove me crazy, but anyways i was going to break up with her( her names will be a just to help understand). my best friend told her i was going to break up with her. but i wasnt ready, i felt. then that night i thought about it so much then i call a girl name_b. it turns out i asked her out forgetting about (a).( a girl wouldnt be some one you would forget about but i did, i went to sleep thinking wow and cool. the next morning i see (b) at school. i say oh MY GOD!!! im panicing in my head. i told my best friend what happened, he told her at the end of the day, next morning i was walking up to (a) and going to say something then she broke up with me. my friend said i was cheating on her right in front of me , not thinking i went along with what he said. he told everyone else even(b). she broke up with me. ive tried to tell every one especially (b) what happened, no one wants to believe me.lately ive been starting to like (b) again i asked her out but she said she liked me as a friend a good friend i hated this and said im going to try to get her to say yes but dont know how got any ideas?
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Josh,

First of all, I am terribly, terribly sorry that I haven’t gotten back to you sooner but I have been traveling and Internet service is not always readily available.

A lot of guys would like to have your problem, that is dealing with TWO women.  Most guys have trouble getting even one!  Situations like your usually change pretty rapidly so it is likely that you have already resolved the situation (or it has resolved itself) so what I say may not have much relevancy but here goes.

You have to first decide which woman you want to be with or if you want to be with both of them (and that’s OK too) and then plan your moves along those lines.  As far as getting the original GF back, you have to understand that she is going to be skeptical about you since you broke asked out another girl but I think if you convince her you are sincere, she get past it.  like I said, the whole situation has probably already changed so let me know if there is something else I can do.

Happy holidays,

Aaron  

Answer
Josh,

Thanks for understanding that I have a lot going on too.  

If you like this girl, you have to tell her.  You were able to tell me about it (“I didn’t even know I was cheating”) so tell her.  Really that’s all you can do.  It sounds more like a misunderstanding to me anyway.

One word of caution: people (men and women) can be sort of chicken and not say what they really mean because they don’t want to hurt the other persons feelings etc so there is a slight possibility that she wants out of the situation and is just using this as an excuse.  I don’t think that is the case but I mention it because if you go back to her and tell her it was a misunderstanding and that nothing really happened and she refuses to accept that explanation, then there may be more to the situation than meets the eye.

You all are pretty young too so if she is so distraught over your “cheating” that she is not able to ‘get over it’ then she is being unreasonable.  You shouldn’t have to beg and plead just to make her understand, a simple explanation is enough -- you really didn’t do anything in the first place!

If she can’t (or won’t) understand that then we’ll try another approach.

Aaron

P.S.  There is a new year coming up so make some good resolutions, some things you want to change in your life and make it happen!