Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/18/2007

Question
QUESTION: I have asked you for an advice around 3 weeks ago and it helped me a lot. I thank you for that and i have decided to seek help from you once more.

The story goes... My ex broke up with me about a month ago. We were dating for almost 9 months. We are both 17 years old. Those first few days after the break up have been hell for me and i couldnt even think. But  now, more or less everything is fine and im pretty much over her except that i do miss her every now and then.

So the relationship started out as a perfect one and everything was perfect for like 6 months... Then things started to get worse... And the problem was in me. She had training 2 times a day so we couldnt see each other often during the week. We would spend time together on friday and saturday. That was pretty much all of her free time. We spent the last 5 months of the relationship together. We rarely went out with our friends. We would mostly go to each others place and have sex every single time. So after a while it wasnt hard to predict what will happen. Altho she enjoyed it for around 2 months... The last 3 months she started to get fed up.

Now, im a very stubborn person and whenever she would tell me that she would like to go out every now and then, how she is fed up with this and so on. I would either get mad, loose my will or start complaining. I didnt have the need for a change and all i was thinking about was myself.

Ive also complained a lot how we dont see each other enough and how she doesnt satisfy my sexual needs, etc.

To make things a bit better, i am a caring person and i did care for her and still do, i just failed to realize that im changing in a very bad manner.

In the first 6 months of the relationship i did support her in everything she did (almost), and i cared for her and treated her superb. I was there for her when she needed me, when she cried.

I was optimistic, full of myself, fun and whatnot. Just like a perfect bf. But in time (after around 6 months) i started becoming pesimistic, paranoid, stubborn, lazy... I was just getting worse and worse.

We talked about it but i just failed to realize it.

So the day came and she left me. Even she cried then. For a few days i was confused and crying all the time and so on. As an average guy.

But after a around 2 weeks i started realizing what went wrong and what i did. What really gets to me is the fact that i realized how much i actually love her and what she means to me after she broke up with me... And that im back at being myself now, when its too late.

After about a week after we broke up she got a new bf. Which shocked me at first but now i dont really care much cause from experience... Girls with bfs have never been more of a challenge then the single ones.

Anyhow, 2 weeks ago we talked. We had a brief conversation about everything and cleared things up. At the end she told me that she knows herself very well and that she will most likely regreat leaving me after a few months or so. Then she told me that we will probably get back together then. I was expecting her to say those things cause ive been dating her 2 years ago and we would see each other every few months, till we started dating 9 months ago. So anyhow, when she told me that i told her: "By the time you want me back, i will not want you back most likely, its just how things are." When i told her that she was shocked and was like "W-w-why?"

So to ask my question finally... I really do not want her back now as im aware that would do no good so i wont even try. That doesnt mean i will let her go forever. In time i will most likely call her, we will go for a walk or something and so on.

So i wonder should i talk with her every month or so, or every 2 months... Just to keep in touch and see how things are going. I also wonder what shouldnt i do and how shouldnt i talk with her?

I could just follow my own lead, like i normally do, but when it comes to this girl, she is just too valuable compared to others. Thus im asking you for an advice.

Im also aware that time is a factor here also, and im in no hurry. So if we end up together in the future... Good, if we dont... Not as good ^^

I just wont sit and do nothing or wait for her to call me. Ill give it a shot at trying to win her over.

And i would appreciate a word or 2 from you about her bf... I mean, im aware that he can have a major role in this. If he really treats her special and so on... In reality 17 year olds dont have very long lasting relationships so what do you think the possibilities here are?

I thank you for your time and I honestly appreciate your help.

Thank you once more.

ANSWER: Hello Luka!

You're very welcome. I'm glad I could help.

Yes, time is definitely on your side here. I suggest you not contact her at all for at least 2 months. Give her a chance to miss you. This will have an impact on her current relationship.

You're also right about these sorts of relationships between 17-year-olds. After a couple of months, things are going settle down between her and the new guy. When things get "familiar" with them (as it did with you) that's the time to step back in her life.

Relationsihps are usually not about how well someone treats someone else. Consider all the relationships you've heard about where one person treats the other like crap for instance; yet they still hang in there. What's most important is how long you can keep things interesting. For some people, that's just a few weeks and for others, it's a lifetime.

Be the lifetime guy instead.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: What if she contacts me in the mean time? In that case i was planning on ignoring the call or message for a couple of days and then telling her how i have been busy and that i dont have much time to talk and that well talk later, etc...

Im self confident and i dont question myself when it comes to girls. But when it comes to this particular one, its different cause unlike all other girls i have been with out of pleasure... With this one i have been cause of love.

So anyhow, my plan was not to call her for around 4 months. Since i made a huge mistake by calling her for a few days after we broke up; crying and so on. So 2 months dont really seem nearly enough for her to miss me.

And finally when and if i call her when i plan to... Should i make a judgment on her reaction to the call and her tone, and possibly invite her out based on that? If we go out, i will ignore the fact that she has a bf and ill simply give her sings that i miss her and that i like her. If all goes well, i plan to ignore her for a few months and repeat the process. What are your thoughts about that?

Thank you for your help and time.

Best regards.

ANSWER: Hello again Luka!

If she contacts you before this, just be cordial and somewhat nice on the phone (or whereever) but cut it short. If you try to hang in there, it'll seem like you're pushing her for more. On the other hand if you say, "Well, gotta go - nice to talk to you" as though it's somewhat final, you take the power away from her entirely.

I agree - longer is better. I recommend 2 months because most guys can't imagine going that long. If you can make it 4 months, ever so much better, but use that time wisely. Get out and date new girls during that time!

I wouldn't try to read her at all when you call. Just call her up, check in and move things to a personal meeting. Don't even give a single thought to her reactions at all. Just assume she'll be thrilled to see you - she very likely will be!


Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Dr. Neder

Your advice helped me a lot multiple times so I seek your expertise once again.

Some of the recent situations made me rethink what I want to do and what I should do... Ill keep it as short as I can.

Well pretty much I haven't had contact with my ex for about 3 months. Every time she would bump into one of my friends they would chit chat and she never ever asked or said anything about me or to me. I was doing the same thing when I would stop by to chat with her friends... I would talk about them, their day and whatnot. I never mentioned my ex or told them to tell her i said hello.

One of my best friends goes to a high school like 20 meters from the high school she goes to. So they see each other often and chit chat a bit. For the past 2 weeks every time they would talk, all she would talk about was me. She would tell him to send me a big hello and so on. My reaction to that was "whatever". So she would ask him if he told me that she said hello, do I miss her, what did I say and stuff like that. My friend would simply say, nah, nothing, he doesnt seem to care...

I figured she must have problems with her current bf if shes acting like that. And it turned out that she does. They have been arguing a lot lately and it became pretty obvious that he is with her cause of sex since he brags about it and it spreads quite fast around high schools...

So while I was out for a drink with this friend of mine that sees her quite often... He mentioned that its quite obvious that she misses me and that I can be with her again...

That popped some obvious things on my mind... While I was being a pussy and crying to her thus giving her all the power, she was doing what she wanted... But now, that I have an "I don't give a fuck" attitude things have changed the other way around.

So i figured, another 6 months of "not caring" can only do me good. Am I right?

Just to add something. I'm in no hurry, I had 3 failed relationships in the past 3 months and one of them was with a girl who had a pill addiction and was a heavy drinker. So I decided to take a little break from dating, and started going to the gym. I have a nutrition and a workout plan now and it takes all of my free time away.

I would greatly appreciate your opinion on this situation. (?Benefits and possible disadvantages?)

Thank You

Best regards, Luke

Answer
Luka - what the hell???

I have 6 copies of this same question repeated over and over in my mailbox! Cutting and pasting the same question over and over again isn't going to get your question answered any faster, it just pisses me off!

First of all, I wouldn't say that you've had 3 failed relationships. It looks to me like you successfully found 3 situations you don't want to be in. That's a very different thing.

Her new-found interest in you is a very good thing, but waiting 6 months is too long to do anything about it. I'd give it one more month. Then, contact her and simply say, "If you want to say hi or talk, don't use my friends. You can contact me directly."

You want to keep the "IDGAF" attitude however. In fact, you can help drive a wedge between her and the soon-to-be ex by saying something like, "Well, when you hooked up with him, I lost a little respect for you." Ouch!

The point of this is to keep it like you're feeding a squirrel. If you put food in your hand and walk towards the little critter, it'll bolt out of fear. On the other hand, if you put the food down where it can take it, eventually, it'll overcome it's fear and walk right up to you.

Treat her like the squirrel. Give her an incentive to come toward you with a possible (not obvious) reward at the end. If you don't do this, she'll think that she has a backup will will relieve the tension between her and the boyfriend. You don't want that.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"