Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/16/2007

Question
QUESTION: I really like this girl at my school but am sort of on the fat side and I asked her out a year ago over the phone and was rejected. How do I get her to see past my physical unattractiveness and look at my character. Heck, for any woman how do I do that?
ANSWER: Hello Ben!

Here's the reality: as long as you're not grossly overweight, being heavy has almost nothing to do with your success with women whatsoever. Most women aren't as concerned with your size if you have other things going for you.

YOU on the other hand are obviously concerned with your weight and that comes through not only in your question but obviously on the phone and in person. Just by holding this concern you can't help but present it to others.

You see, just because YOU (as a guy) are "looks focused" doesn't mean that women are. You often hear that women want a man that looks good. Sure they do, but YOU don't know what "good" means for women - it is different for every woman.

Now, I have to ask you: why are you overweight in the first place? Once you get into shape, you're going to find that things are somewhat easier; not because women will prefer it at all however - but because YOU will feel better about yourself. That is what comes through.

Let me tell you a story:

When I was in school, there was this skinny little girl that came to school in 6th grade. She was the very definition of "mousey" - short, stringy hair, glasses, very quiet, no friends, etc. She was like that through junior high.

My first year of high school, I was floored by all the great looking girls, but one of them stood out in particular. She dressed really well, wore just enough make-up and seemed to float as she walked confidently around campus. It was the same girl! Over the summer, she reinvented herself! At the same time, she didn't bother joining any "clicks" at school - she created her own.

Man, what a transformation!

Now, just imagine that you did the same thing with your summer - what would the next school year be like? Would you still bother with (or even remember) some girl that turned you down? Of course not! You'd be so busy with other, even better girls that you wouldn't have the time.

Ben, this isn't about your weight and where you are right now - this is about where you're going. It's about who you're becoming and the really cool thing is that you get to reinvent yourself any time you want. I suggest that this would be a great time to do that.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your answer but it doesn't help much. Here's the thing, I have tried to lose weight about everyway possible, and am still trying, and have failed. The problem is she is really really hot and I, though I am smart, strong, capable, kind, and loving, am fat yet not hideously obese and have tourettes syndrome.  

Answer
Hello again Ben!

You're very welcome.

The only reason this doesn't "help much" is that it requires that you change your attitude - which you refuse to do.

Ben, how DARE you decide for this girl what she likes and doesn't like! You don't have that right! All you have to do is to fix your own attitude. If you're unwilling to do that, then, you're right. This isn't going to help. What do you want from me, a magic spell or something?

If you're only willing to do what you've always done and to not change, you have no right to expect things will change around you. The world isn't going to bend just for your wishes. YOU have to make those changes within yourself if you want changes to happen in your life.

Being overweight and having tourettes aren't any kind of death sentence unless YOU believe they are. Let's face it. If you sewed up your mouth you'd lose weight, wouldn't you? Of course - your weight in about taking in more calories than you burn - nothing more. Thus, you CAN lose weight, but you have to decide that it's important enough to do so. You've failed at diets simply because you won't do the work that's necessary - increase your exercise and reduce your caloric intake.

That attitude carries right though to your dating life too. You won't do the work on your own attitude and belief system, and thus, you don't have what you want. I can't make this any clearer for you than this:

1) Women don't care much what you look like
2) Women want someone that is confident
3) You lack confidence
4) You could have confidence if you change something about yourself
5) You aren't willing to change.

There's only one thing there you have any control over - #5. Make a choice to change that, and you'll start having the things in your life you want. That's the only way it works.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"