Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/1/2007

Question
i have a female friend. we have been friends for a long time. we do things together but i want a relationship with her. she said she wants to get back to her ex boyfriend. but the guy doesn't seem to want her back. she has turned out to be a clubbing freak. she picks up guys from the club and sleeps with them. what should i do?

Answer
Hello Mike!

First, please accept my apology for the late reply. My system has been down over the holiday.

Man! Do I hate to hear stories about "...I have this female friend..." Mike, being "friends" with a woman first is relationship death! It's next to impossible to turn this into anything else. Why, oh why did you become her "friend" first?

Here's the best answer I can give you: forget her. Don't bother trying to turn her into something other than a friend, you've already blown it with her. Let's be honest here - you never intended for her to be just your "friend" in the first place, did you? (Yes, I know - no guy ever does!) However, you didn't know how to make her into more so you figured that you'd "work it from the inside" instead by hoping that she'd see what a great guy you were and do all your work for you so that you wouldn't have to take any risks. Mike, I see this everyday and it always ends badly.

Consider this little fact: you have around a 2-3% chance of going anywhere with her other than being a friend. That means that you have a 97-98% chance of failing - all while ruining the friendship to boot! You can't have both a friendship and a relationship. They are totally different things to women. They will take your lead on which way to go, but once you decide, they will hold you to it.

Even worse, consider all the great women you're passing up waiting for her to change her mind! You could be meeting some incredible women that you stand an GREAT chance of having instead! You can even use her "friendship" to help you here! Imagine going out to a club, seeing some great women and having your friend walk up and say, "Hey, sorry to bother you, but I know this incredible guy that I think would be perfect for you. Can I bring him over?"

Ka-ching!!!!

Talk about "social proof!" One woman claiming you're great is all the proof most any girl needs to move forward.

Mike, please, please don't do this to yourself. You've already dug your hole with her. Don't try to climb out of it when it's filled with other great girls.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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