Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/18/2007

Question
ok this all started at the beginning of last feburary. my friend/guitar player introduced me to his long time frined leilani. i instantly fell for here. before i met her i was one of those kinds of guys who said screw the whole relationship thing, and i never wanted to date anyone. but once she came along that all changed, i really think that i actaully loved her. we hit it off instantly, for two months we were talkin every night, every weekend we were together. it felt so perfect, definitly the shortest yet best 2 months of my life. but then we got into a stupid argument over something that didnt even matter and it all changed like that. she just says its not the same. i kindof thing that she is afraid of committment and thats why she let it go so easily. ive tried talking to her about it and she just wont ever cope with me. i dont know why she through all we had out the window liked that. i know she liked me, hell she told me herself, along with all of her friends. but ive never heard of anyone just quitting on love like that. for the past month ive tried and tried and tried getting her back, but it just isnt working. we recently started over agin as frineds but that didnt work. soon after, she ended up blowing at at me for something agin. i have never felt or been so sure about any one in my entire life. i cant bear the fact of not having her, and i cant let myself give up. i guess im asking...what should i do to get her back to the way things were, thats all i want is her, and only her, nothing else. how do i make her realize that i really love her and get her to feel the way she once did. please help if u can, it will be greatly appreciated.

zack

Answer
Hello Zack!

I'm sorry to hear that you're "hearborken"!

If she won't talk to you about the issues, what do you really have? You want her back and she doesn't want you back. Do you think there's some magic spell or something to change that?

You really only have one option here and that's to move on. It appears that she was less interested in the relationship than you were. There always has to be one person more committed to it than the other as nothing is every truly equal in relationships, but the person that wants it LEAST in the one in control.

You have only one slim chance of getting her back and that's if she feels she's really lost you. Frankly, that's not a magic spell either as by now, she's likely moved on herself.

I strongly urge you to start dating over other woman you can find out there. Make the real dates and for God's sake - don't talk about your break-up or anything whatsoever to do with this! Turn your attention to other women and focus on them and what you want.

This will do two things for you:

First, once you really move on heart, mind and soul, she'll begin to get the idea that she's lost you. That MAY (and I mean only slightly, possibly) feel the loss and then be willing to talk to you about things again. That's your opening if it happens, but don't wait around thinking it will.

Second, you'll start the healing process. Until you break out of this downer, you'll never get over her in order to start rebuilding. That has to happen some day and the sooner the better.

Zack, one more point:

You didn't have a "relationship" with Leilani. You had a dating situation only. When you're in a relationship you are a team. That means that when problems like these come up, you work through them as a team in order to build something stronger than you had. It's obvious that she wasn't willing to do this. Thus, no relationship existed.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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