Expert: Aaron Beck - 9/26/2006

Question
I love this girl at my school, but I am too shy to really talk to her. What should I do to win her heart?

Answer
Dave,

Thank you for your honest and sincere question.  I can tell you are really interested in this girl and I will do my best to provide you some insight.

First a little background.  All guys are shy around women they like, and in a cruel twist of fate, the more interest you have in her the more shy you will be and, therefore, the more difficult it will be to approach her.  That’s the bad news.  The good news is there is a simple and straight forward way that you can meet her and let her know that you’re interested.  BTW, that’s your whole job: to introduce yourself and let her know you are interested.  There are no magic words or techniques that will make “like you”.

While I’m on that topic, I want to comment on something you said in your question: “I love this girl at my school”.  First of all, you don’t really know her so you are probably not in “love” with her but you do want to get closer to her.  I mention this because if you are “in love” with her, you put yourself at a disadvantage because you won’t think clearly when you are around her.  All I’m trying to do here is to get you to maintain proper perspective.

You are obviously quite taken with this girl and that’s why you feel so shy around her.  Imagine if she was someone you had no interest in, you would have no difficulty approaching her at all, right?  So it is a sort of self-imposed problem but a problem none-the-less (and we’ll get to a solution in a moment).

Also because you are so smitten with her, you are going to be scared (nervous or shy or whatever) when you try and approach her BUT that’s what you’re going to have to do.  So the problem becomes: how do I approach her and make her know I’m interested and still remain calm?

Here’s how you’re gonna go it.  Since she is at your school, you should have plenty of opportunity to talk to her and I’m going to assume that you know her name but if you don’t know her name, that’s even better.

You will have to decide the best time to do this but you are going to walk up to her and say these words:  

Dave: Hi, you’re Karen, right?

Karen: Yes. (that’s probably all you’ll get from her at this point)

Dave: Yeah, I’ve seen you around, are you a freshman (or whatever)?

Karen: Yeah (possibly she’ll say something more but maybe not).

Dave: (pause) “BTW, my name is Dave and I just wanted to say hello/introduce myself”

Extend your hand with the palm up at a 45-degree.  She will naturally extend her hand to shake with you.  At this point you will basically be holding her hand as if your were about to kiss it -- don’t do that but that’s the ergonomics (or anatomy) of the position.  Keep holding her hand until the full introduction is over.  

As your shaking her hand, slowly roll your palm even more toward the 90 degree palm up position -- your hand is on the bottom and hers on the top -- and then simply release your hold after the introduction is over and she will naturally drag her hand out of yours and her fingertips will likewise naturally “drag” against yours.  Pretty sexy and she’ll know it.  If you can, look straight into her eyes the whole time (which is natural when you meet someone).  

That’s all you have to do.  Your job is over.  It’s now up to her to give you something to build on.  If she just stands there and says nothing (which is unlikely), you can always say, “Well, I just wanted to say hello and I’m sure I’ll see you around.  Have a good day”.  That won’t happen though; you’re the same age, at the same school, so there is bound to be some common ground and some things to talk about.

If she blows you off then she was going to blow you off no matter what you said, just remember, you’ve done nothing wrong, all you’ve done is try and tell a woman you find her appealing.

Now this sounds much more complicated than it is.  Practice it on some safe women (i.e. women who you don’t feel shy around) and you’ll see how easy and natural it is.  Also the women who you introduce yourself to have no way of knowing that this is not how you always introduce yourself -- they will think it is completely normal (and it is!).  The first time you try it, things will seem to move in fast motion but it will slow down after a few introductions.

Now you are a very young man and the handshake business may seem weird to you but it won’t seem weird to her at all -- I promise.

Believe me Dave, she’ll know that you are sending a message.  I’m telling you this works on women from 9-90, it awakens some type of genetic-coding that lets them know the game is afoot (so to speak).  If she’s interested AT ALL, she’ll find some way of letting you know BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOLD HER (IN EFFECT) THAT YOU ARE INTERESTED IN HER.  

A basic tenant concerning women is that they do the choosing but men do the asking so it stands to reason that the more women you ask -- in word or deed (e.g. the handshake), the more opportunity they have to say  yes.

You will probably have to make more than one attempt to get friendly with this girl.  The first time, she may be very neutral but you will have at least made the opening salvo, from now on when you see her you can quite confidently say, “Hi Karen, are you doing alright today?”

Since you are so young, I wanted to be sure that this was good advice so I asked three young guys (ages 15, 17, and 18) how they would go about meeting a woman they were very interested in and that all said basically the same thing:

1. You are going to be nervous but you gotta do it anyway
2. The direct approach (i.e. the intro/handshake) is the best way to go about it.

Last thing.  In your question you said, “How do I win her heart?” You need to shift your emphasis from her liking you to you liking her.  In other words, it’s not up to her whether you like her or not.  It is up to her whether she decides to go out with you or not but if you wait around for her to like you, you’ll wait the rest of your life.   

Very, very often, Dave, the thing that women find the most attractive about a man is that he likes her in the first place.

You gotta do this thing.

Try that much first and write back if you need more input after you’ve talked to her one-on-one.

AB