Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/8/2007

Question
hi Dr.neder, i wanted to ask you this question because you always seem to give the best advice and what you say usually works. okay with that said here is my situation. im 17 years old and the girl i like lisa is 16 we go to school together and i really like and care about her and she knows it ive told her and weve talked about it alot when we talk about getting together i get mixed signals from her alot shes said before i want to be with you when i want a boyfriend but i dont want one right now she got used pretty bad by her old boyfriend and he really hurt her. and she says alot of the times that she hasnt been with me out anywhere like to eat or a movie but if she just wants to be friends right now should i ask her to go or wait until shes ready. also what are some things i should be doing to attract her and help her make her decision about us sooner shes very beautiful and alot of guys like her how can i stand out and make her want to be around more we do talk alot but havent hung out at all yet. any advice on how i could speed things up with lisa would be helpful i know you give the best advice and actually help situations for the better so thank you and i look forward to hearing from you. Jarrod

Answer
Hello Jared!

Ohhh! Flattery!!! Well then, how can I *not* answer your question???   ;)

First of all, don't let her make the decision! It's actually YOUR decision to make - not hers. Here's the rule: the guy controls the relationship (if he's smart, and I'm convinced you're smart!)

For this reason you don't want to worry about attracting her. That puts all the power in her hands, and trust me on this one Jared, she doesn't want it! That's now what being "swept off her feet" is all about. She wants a guy that will just take the initiative and makes things the way he wants them.

Now, part of making things a certain way means you don't give it lip service. In other words, don't tell her what you're going to do or how you feel. Doing this puts the ball back in her court again and she has to react to it. Instead, just do whatever you want and start acting like her boyfriend. Before she knows it, you and she will be together.

Tell her that you're going to take her out this next weekend to do something fun. Here it is summer and there are tons of fun things to go do. Just keep it simple. Don't make it a big elaborate date or anything - again, too much pressure. Just go have some fun and get to know each other.

Before you know it, you'll be in a relationship and nobody will see it coming!