Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/30/2006

Question
Hello, I'm Dave. Im in 11th grade, and recently I've met a girl who I think would be perfect for me. We are freinds but I dont see her very much and shes very busy. Ive heard from her freinds she likes me as a freind, but hardly knows me. I would want to get to know her better before I date her but its hard because I cant talk to girls very well without getting nervous, then theres the fact shes always busy too. I need to know how I can see her more, become better freinds, and talk to her easier. The only thing is I dated one of her freinds a little while ago, but I dont think that would affect anything, but you never know. Than you for your help!

Answer
Hello Dave!

Women separate guys into two categories: those that they date and "friends". If your goal is to become friends with this girl, I urge you to rethink it.

Women use the "friends" classification to mostly mean, "Guys that are too much of a pussy to go and get what they want - so I'll call them friends to keep them around, but not have to date them."

Is that really what you want?

Here's what's going on:

You figure that you're shy, but in fact, you just don't know what to do. So, you hope that by being her (or "a better") "friend", that she'll see what a great guy you are fall in love with you and do all your work for you.

That's not how women work. If you take this path, you'll never be ANYTHING to her other than a friend and someone like me will come along, snatch her up and then, she'll call you with endless stories about how great this guy is or how he broke her heart, etc.

Then, you'll still hang in there hoping that by being the "supportive friend" that she'll start to fall in love with you and again, do your work for you. She won't.

Dave, don't do this! You are already on this path and you'd better jump off of it right away or you're going to blow this girl right out of the water - and not even know why.

The reason you're nervous around girls is that you don't know what to say. Many men feel that way, so they come to me and ask, "What should I say to her to make her really dig me?" Another, dumb, misdirected question.

You can't memorize a few pat lines and expect to get anywhere with women. You need to learn how to communicate. That means that you're able to move through the moment. You can be funny when you need to be, you can be serious when you need to be and you can touch her in profound ways.

That may see like a lot, but in fact, it's not difficult to do at all. Unfortunately, it's far more than I can explain in a few emails! I suggest you check out my website and start collecting up this knowledge in order to learn these skills (http://beingaman.com).

Ultimately, here's what you want to do: when you see her, go up and say, "Hey [her name]! Do me a favor and write down your phone number here." Hand her a piece of paper and a pen and when she's done say, "Great, now clear up your Friday night. We're going out for [whatever], so I can get to know you better." Stick to your guns here and be clear about what you want.

Friends leave it up to the girl, boyfriends decide what they want and go after it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"