Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/15/2007

Question
Thank you for your response.

In all fairness, I suppose I should have mentioned that this woman is someone I grew up with; we grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same grade school and high school. We were friends then and lost contact after high school. We're both in our mid-30s now. I ran into her a few months back at a local shopping mall which led to our one "date". I really saw it more as catching up with an old friend than a date and never really looked for anything to come out of it. I got the impression, at the time, that she saw it as something else (woman are pretty sneaky though, I may have misinterpreted her "signs"). I've been involved with other women in the meantime, so I never really put any effort into turning it into something else but have been curious as to "What if?" Hence the occassional calls. And, if this was someone I met out of the clear blue, I would not have hung around for a few months. I'd have hung around long enough to make 1 or 2 calls and then move on. Too many opportunities out there to let them pass me by.....

My opinion is pretty much the same as yours: not returning calls is rude. It indicates to me that even a "friendship" is not important enough to her to warrant a call back. So why place any importance on HER?

I did value her friendship back then, but don't have time for games now.

thanks again!


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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
My question concerns phone etiquette...... I've been communicating with a particular woman on and off for the past 4-5 months. We've only gone out once, but talk about getting together in almost every phone conversation (which has really only been 5 or 6 times). She is usually the one that suggests getting together again, but it has yet to happen. We don't really make specific plans. It's more like "Well, I can't get together then, but how 'bout {this day}". I'm as much at fault for not making it happen as she is. I put in a lot of hours at work and her career requires her to travel a lot. So it's been difficult for us to follow through and make definite plans. That and I'm sure we both have other options too. I know I do, so it doesn't bother me that much that things aren't progressing faster with her even though I'd like them too. I have other female contacts that are much more "accessible".

In the 5-6 phone conversations we've had, we've played a lot of "phone tag" to get there. I almost always initiate contact by calling her; usually get her voicemail, so I leave a message. She makes a return call for every other, or every third message I leave. Only once has she initiated contact (and she left a message on my voicemail). I'm getting to the point where the "game" is getting old. I don't want to give up on her entirely though. Should I be leaving messages for her? Or should I call, but not leave a message (she'll see that I called via Caller ID)? Maybe that seems stalker-ish? My other option was to leave a message stating my desire to speak to HER not her voicemail, but didn't want that to make me sound too aggressive. Again, I'd like things to progress, but I'm unwilling to change my life and drop everything to go running after one woman. Maybe that makes me sound selfish, but I don’t have problems meeting women; there’s tons of fish in the sea. I'm using this current situation as an example on how to proceed on this matter in the future. I hate talking to answering machines, but such is the world we live in. Especially when dealing with the fairer sex. Sometimes I believe she's deliberately not answering her calls or returning calls just to get me to drop everything and pursue her. Of course, it’s not just her. It’s happened in the past and unless something drastic happens in the way women play the dating game, I’m sure it will happen again.

Your thoughts on this are greatly appreciated.
AM

-----Answer-----
Hello Alan!

What an impossible situation you have here! Ok, this appears to be an Internet dating situation and that's why you're having at least some of your problems. The Internet acts as a huge filter, separating people by far more than miles.

Dispite the great phone calls you've both had, I doubt she feels any connection with you whatsoever. Without that connection, you're never going to get her to move forward with things - such as actually answering her telephone. Even worse, it's likely that she's actually dating someone else more seriously and is just keeping you hanging on to see if things work out with the other guy or not.

Beyond all of this, it's probably starting to get creepy! Why would someone hang out for 4-5 months just waiting? Frankly, I'd never do that. Even worse, why would she only return your every second or third call - that's just plain rude.

What a huge waste of time and resources!

I don't know why you're wasting your time with this. My policy is as follows:

1) I don't use the Internet to meet people because of the tremendous waste it is.
2) I never leave messages for someone before I've established some sort of connection. If they don't know how to use their telephone, they'll never figure out how to work me!
3) When I *do* leave a message for someone, I expect a phone call back. If they are too rude to know that's common courtesy, I have no time for them!
4) If I can't get together with someone within a few weeks of contacting them, their number goes in the garbage. Same if they try to play me by cancelling at the last minute or having some "emergency" come up. (True emergencies are very rare!)

This is easy for me to do simply because I don't know of anyone that is busier than I am! (I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that I organize my days into minutes in order to complete all the projects I have going on.)

Everyone can find a few hours here or there to actually meet someone. If she's too busy, you need to read this as "not interested." After all, what's she doing tring to meet guys in the first place? If she were interested, she'd make the time. It's a matter of importance.

Consider a little story as an example. Let's say that you and I are sitting in a room. I ask you to go next door and get me a pen. You get up, walk to the door, turn it and it's locked. So, you return and say, "Sorry, I couldn't get you the pen - door's locked."

Now, let's say instead that the building is on fire and your 1-year-old daughter is in that room. Are you going to come back and say, "Sorry, door's locked"? Of course not.

When something is important enough, people make the time for it. I want you to only invest your valuable time in someone that sees you as the burning building - not the locked door.

I suggest you give her one more call and express the finality of things. Explain that you're now on the exit plan. If you can't get with her to meet, you aren't interested in pursuing her any further and leave it at that. After all, what would it be like if you were actually dating her?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"  

Answer
Hello again Alan!

My apologies for the assumption. The symptoms are very common in Internet dating and since you didn't say, I just assumed - incorrectly - and this does make a difference.

I'll bet what's going on (based on this new information) is that she's a classic "Attention Whore" ("AW"). I devote an entire chapter to this woman in my second book as she's becoming more and more common.

In effect, she's playing you primarily for the attention you give her. She's "feeding" off of it as an ego-boost.

There are many issues with the AW, but to bottom-line things, you've got to make your giving of attention contingent on her giving you what you want. Nothing else works with the AW - and this doesn't work many times either.

You see, AW's are experts at extracting as much of your attention (or perceived attention) as possible. If they can get you to think about them - whether it makes you angry or just curious doesn't matter - they feel that they've won the game. This woman's only goal is to keep you hanging as long as possible.

Imagine this - if you pulled this sort of thing with your buddies, do you think they'd hang around and take it? Of course not. You'd be seen as a loser and would be shunned. I can't imagine why men will continue to hang around (sometimes for years), trying to get what they want from an AW. It's just that the power of the pussy is so great that some guys forget their own power.

I'm glad you've decided to leave this one alone. I suggest you treat her just like you'd treat a male friend that pulled this crap and kick her to the curb. Until she's willing to play nice, your time is far too valuable. Let some other poor sap play her game.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"