Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/29/2006

Question
"Hello,
I have been with the same girl since Aug 2004. A little over 1 year ago, I cheated on her with my ex. She found out, and I came clean. She said she forgave me, but things between us were going down hill from day one. Eventually, we were a happy couple again (atleast I thought). I proposed to her in May 2006, and she said yes! But since then, all we did was argue over pitty stuff. I would talk down to her, and not be a typical fiance like I should be. My fling in the past always came up when we had an argument (i would make stupid little remarks to her)Well, just last week she gave me the ring back, and the other day she moved out cause she said she wants space to decide if this is what she wants(we have live together for 22months), and do some thinking. I love her with all my heart, and she feels the same for me. But this past week she has not come home at night 2times, and there are a few nights where she came home between 3:00-5:30am. She said she was having drinks with her girl friends. Her other boyfriends did what I did to her in the past, and she walked away from them with out trying to fix it. But she tells me that she cant walk away from me, and she does not know how to deal with all this anger built up inside of her. There is something about me thats different from the rest. Thats why she wants her space. She told me the other night we need to start over, I need to take her out on dates etc etc. But she cant tell me for sure if we will work out, or for how long she will be gone for. Do you think counseling will work for us? Is it too late to put that spark back in our relationship? Or does this sound like a way out for her?

Thanks!


Answer
Hello Franco!

Yes, I think you're being led on. This is a very common scenario that women use - they claim they want to repair things while also holding you at arm's length. She tells you that you're "different" when her actions say otherwise. Then, you'll wind up being the guy she dumped for someone else she met while she claimed you and she were "working it out".

Franco, when a couple works things out, they aren't out all night with other people. They are committed to getting things fixed and concentrate on that process. That's not what's going on here. She's out doing, who-knows-what while claiming that she's still with you.

There's a reason why women do this by the way. It's call the "empty restaurant" syndrome. If you see two restaurants, one full of hungry customers and one empty, which one do you choose? Obviously the full one.

This is also why almost every woman claims that she "...has a boyfriend..." Your girlfriend is telling guys she meets this same thing! That way, they have to work to "win" her which not only boosts her ego, but also gives these guys a challenge.

From what I can tell, she's on the "exit plan" and counseling isn't going to do much for you - if you can even get her to go. I suggest you see if she's willing to give up all the other things in order to work this out and get back together. If she is, then consider counseling.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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