Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/18/2007

Question
Thanks for you feedback, I agree with what you said.
I am not one for LDR either, I am hoping she will return with me.

That is why I am doing this, otherwise I know it would be a waste of my time. When she returned home she said she wanted to return with me which motivated me to maintain contact with her. but the last few conversations she has talked about moving to another town and doing something new. I took this a sign she would not be returning with me so I asked her, she said she did want to return with me but was unsure if she could!

maybe I should give up on this one?
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
ok, my cousin asked if her friend could stay with me for 4 weeks while on a holiday visiting the country i am in. I had no problems with it as I am use to playing host for visitors.
So Soraya came to stay, a stunning woman, very intelligent and very funny, we hit it off from the start and over the next 4 weeks we hung out and it was great. also accompaning Soraya was her 2 year old little boy (she is a solo mother) he was a cool little lad and we all got on really well. Now I was attracted to her but one she was my cousin best friend and two, she had mentioned she was not wanting a relationship, so i left it at that, happy to be friends.
One night we went out drinking and dancing and something happened. now for the record I was having fun and did not expect what was about to happen. Soraya came up to me and told me just wanted to spend the night with me, I was happy with that and things progressed from there.
The morning came and Soraya was hangover and spent most the day in bed, I hung out with her son and left mum to rest. The afternoon came and Soraya seemed very distant from me, I thought perhaps she regrets the night before so I approached her and told her, I did not regret it, and hoped she was cool and our friendship was still cool. She replied that she was starting to see me diffrenetly and she was not ready for a relationship. I told her i was cool and to relax and enjoy the rest of her holiday.
Since that conversation she would keep asking me about my past relationships and what kind of woman I was attarcted too, I would just answer her questions in a general sense not giving away to much as i was puzzled why she was asking such questions.
A few days before her departure I told her, I wish she wasn't going as I had made a really good friend, she replied she would like to return, so I told her I would visit in a few months and invited her to return with me which she excepted and i was stoked.
Now she has returned back home and we talk every so often and I realised that I do have feelings for her, so I thought I would test the waters. I sent her a flowers for valentines and waited for her response.
She responed by SMS Txt and loved the flowers and said they made her day, but she said nothing else about it.

did I do the right thing, the card just said ' something to brighten up your day' that went with the flowers.

I am not so sure what my next move should be. I visit her in 8 weeks.

Thanks
Trent
-----Answer-----
Hello Trent!

First off you have a pretty severe problem here - the distance. Let me tell you: long-distance relationships ("LDR's") never work out. Everyone wants to believe differently, but trust me - from the huge numbers of letters I get from people in LDR's and the miriad problems they face, it always ends badly. Unless you two can find a way to be together in the same town, I'd suggest you put this relationship aside and look for someone in your own backyard.

Ok, with that said, let's get to your question.

Obviously, I don't know what specifically caused her sudden change in attitude and can only speculate. However, you need to know the reality about women: women are ALWAYS ready for a relationship! I don't care what a woman says to this regard, the fact is that women define themselves by their relationships much as us guys define ourselves by our careers. Can you imagine every saying, "I'm not ready for another job - I just got out of one?" Not only would you starve, but you'd also feel like you're going nowhere! A break is one thing, but long-term abscence is entirely another and women feel this in the same way with relationships.

Sending her V-Day flowers was indeed an appropriate thing. I have a rule about this: if you've had sex with a woman, you'd BETTER do something for holidays, birthdays and especially. V-Day. If you don't you come off either as a user or an inconsider, callous bastard. That would never have worked to your benefit here!

Even better, your card wasn't overly emotional or gushy. She's obviously a little conflicted by her emotions at this point and is likely considering my point about LDR's too. Your gift didn't pressure her, but reminded her instead.

As to your next move, it depends on whether you believe you can work past the LDR without having to move closer to each other (trust me, you can't, but many people try anyway!) If you can find a way through this issue, the next problem you have is one of time. 2 months is a long time to try to keep a budding relationship alive and she is likely going to change her mind well before then.

Thus, if you can go see her (or have her come your way) within the next week or two, that'd be far better than just waiting it out. If you can't you're likely to find that you've lost that window of opportunity.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

Answer
Hello again Trent!

An(other) important key about women is this: they often "speak outloud" their thought processes. When she mentioned that she considered moving to another town and donig something new, this was very likely just her vocalizing her thought-process, not actually establishing a goal or plan.

Yes, I agree with you. Give this one more shot and see if you can turn it around; centering on seeing if she'll relocate. If not, or if it's a long-term deal, you'd be much better off moving on until that day when she moves.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"