Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/21/2007

Question
january 21 2007
good day! im Darwin and I feel so insecure because of my figure. Im a chubby guy and I am shy when it comes to women.
here is my story.(1st quarter of school year) i saw this girl in our school parade she is from the other branch of our institue.
my former schoolmate(highschool) was her classmate and that gives me a thought that there is a chance to meet her. my former schoolmate(high school) and i were not close, we know each other by face but we dont talk to each other.
(2nd quarter of S.Y.) i saw her again in our school concert. (3rd Quarter of SY) my friend and my former schoolmate are close friends. to make the story short, i knew her name and the two of them join our company and we watched tha car show and the beauty pageant.
at the end of the show, i insist to accompany them, the woman i like and my skulmate at the bus station, before they leave i ask her(the woman i like) if it is okay if i get her phone number and she give it to me and theey left after a while a thought just pop in my mind that getting her number was a wrong move and too early.
the day after i texted her 'good morning' and she replied 'good morning too' and i ask what time she arrived at her house and she replied an answer.
i did not reply because she replied plain answers and too late... my friends said that if it is like that the girl is not intrested and i believe on him...
the same day i sent her a love quote via text message to try if she's going to reply and she didnt. that day was a bad day (that was yesterday) the whole day seems like a hell, i cant stop thinking of her and i have this feeling of "i like her so much and it is impossible to become us"
im thinking of sending her a flower on valentines day. help me...

Answer
Hello Darwin!

Darwin, DO NOT SEND HER FLOWERS ON V-DAY!!!! In fact, stop all of this texting right now - it's getting creepy!

Ok, where do I start with you?

First of all, you should never have texted her that love quote - ewwwww!!!! What in the hell was she supposed to do with that? Do you think that was supposed to touch her heart and make her all gooey for you? No, she probably got it and just wondered what you were thinking.

Stop for a minute and try to imagine a man that you admire. If you can't think of a roll model, think of James Bond or John Wayne or somebody else that is a powerful male figure. Now, can you imagine this guy doing what you've done so far? Absolutely not!

Try to think of what he WOULD do. He wouldn't send flowers or gifts or text messages to some girl he just met and has no foundation with - that would seem like he's trying to buy her and would hurt, rather than help is game. Instead, he'd begin building that foundation quickly. Once there was foundation - and interest - on her part, then, he'd start moving things ahead. He wouldn't worry that he was overweight or anything like that.

Darwin, you're not going to have her with your current direction. You need to change this. The good news is that you still have a chance to do so, but not if you continue doing what you're doing!

I suggest you do the following:

1) Give her a break for a couple of weeks. Don't contact her, text her or even "accidently" run into her.

2) After a few weeks (no less!) then call her up on the phone - DO NOT TEXT HER! and say,"Hey, it was fun hanging out with you a few weeks ago. Let's get together next Friday [or whenever]. Clear your evening and we'll meet at [place and time]" Don't ask her (you already made this mistake when you asked for her number, and you got lucky this time) - just tell her what you want her to do. Also, don't agree to call her and confirm! This is all the confirmation she needs. Just be clear about what, when and where.

3) Get together and KEEP IT CASUAL!!! Don't bring her flowers or gifts or poetry or anything like that. Don't spend a fortune and don't try to make it a 10-hour date. Don't go to the movies or a concert or some school function - you don't need some huge event as an excuse to meet up with her.

Just get together and spend a couple of hours (no more!) just getting to know HER. Don't think that you need to entertain her or tell her all about your life. In fact, if you do this right, she should walk away thinking, "What a great guy - I want to know more about HIM!" (mostly because she didn't learn very much about you - yet.)

Ask her "open-ended" questions - those that need more than a one-word, "yes" or "no" answer. For instance, don't ask her if she likes your school; ask her what she likes most about your school. This way, she gets to talk. If you do this right, she'll spend the entire evening talking, punctuated by some new, probing questions from you!

4) End it too early! In other words, after your 2 hours are up and things are really going well, end it. Explain that you need to go meet some friends (have this pre-planned that your friends will meet you somewhere) and just tell her that you had a great time and look forward to doing it again. You want to end all of this when it's at it's peak - not when it's dying for lack of oxygen; gasping for it's last breath. Instead, ending it before she's ready will leave her on a "high note".

Then, give her a week and a half or more and call her up to do it again.

Darwin, you only have one more chance to get this right. I'd hate to see you ruin this by over-playing everything. On the other hand if you do this right, you're very likely to walk away with what you want.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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