Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/4/2007

Question
Dr. Neder,

I am a 20 year old man. I have been with my girlfriend almost 2 years, she is 19. We have never had sex, because it is against her religion. I am so horny I can't stand it. I love her dearly, and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I am not ready to get married. I would at least like to graduate college. I don't want to cheat on her, but if I don't get some soon, I goin' over the wall. What should I do?

Answer
Hello James!

DO NOT get married just to have sex!!! That'll be the biggest mistake you'll ever have made.

Here's the reality: for whatever reason (religion, fear, whatever) if she's not willing to provide you with what you need - even though you're willing to do so for her, then I believe you have the right to seek it out elsewhere. This isn't "cheating" if she's not willing to be the partner a relationship expects of her.

I also believe that withholding sex for religious reasons is a travesty. As I've told countless people; while sex may not be the most important thing in a relationship, it's right up there in the top 3! What if you're not sexually compatible? What if you or she have no experience in order to sexually satisfy your partner? Nothing ends relationships - or marriage - faster than sexual problems and it takes a TON of experience in order to know how to please someone else. Women are far more complicated sexually than you and I are as men.

How would your boss feel if you only had 2 of the 3 skills you needed to do your job? I bet you wouldn't have your job very long. This is the same with a marriage or relationship.

Here's what I recommend:

You need to sit down and have a talk with her. Explain that you respect her and her beliefs, but expect the same courtesy back. You love her very much, but need sex. (In fact, I fully agree with this - I believe that in order to be healthy we need to have sex on a regular basis and there are study after study that continues to prove this.)

Since, she's not willing to be your sexual partner, you won't try to force her, but she's going to have to accept that you're going to find it elsewhere. She'll also have to accept the risks of having you fall in love with someone else and moving on if that happens, but that's not your goal.

Likewise, since you are willing to be everything for her, it's entirely reasonable to not give her the same luxury of dating other people! She has everything she wants in you; it's you that are being denied here.

James, there's one other point to make about this: a sexless relationship almost always leads to a sexless marriage. Think about that little fact.

Don't ever trade marriage for sex. Sex is it's own benefit for both partners. Marriage is entirely different and should be entered into only for specific reasons.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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