Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/27/2007

Question
Hello. I need some help. I am a muslim. the girl that i like is also muslim. we have been talking for a long time and i really like her. some people tell me that if i cant tell her that i really like her than show it to her physically. since we are muslim physical contact is not really permitted between the sexes especially of this nature, and especially because we are young and spend alot of time alone. how should i tell her that i love her?

Answer
Hello Werty!

This is a great question! It's really more about communication skills than being Muslim and the rules of your religion.

You see, people tend to gravitate toward one of just a few "communication styles". Each of us has a preferred style for ourselves and by discovering your girl's style, you can communicate to her directly in it - and touch her very deeply while staying within the rules of your beliefs.

We base our communication styles on our senses. When you consider how communication evolved in the first place, this makes perfect sense. At first, early humans weren't able to communicate anything other than what we saw, heard or touched - and these are the communication styles we still use today.

There are people that are called "visuals". These people want "see" how things are. They try to form visual pictures in their minds about their worlds. Likewise, they prefer to be "shown" love in the form of looks from you and even gifts. These things that have a visual aspect to them help them to visualize love. You might have even heard people talk about "the look of love". This is exactly what they're referring to.

There are other people that want to hear that you love them. They need to hear "I love you" on a regular basis in order to feel loved by you. Often, these people want to hear it every day.

Finally, there are "feelings" people (also called "kinesthetics") that associate love with the other senses - touch, taste and smell. For these people, hitting these other things help to make them feel loved. For instance, some people enjoy the touch of someone they care about. This doesn't have to be sexual at all. In fact, it can be any form of "acceptable" touch such as a touch on the hand, arm or shoulder. It can also be other things such as something tasty to eat or smell.

Here's an interesting observation: many people; when they first start a new relationship will hit all of these things together! For instance, they'll share a delicious meal together and touch each other (kinesthetic), say "I love you" (auditory) and give little gifts to each other (visual). However, as relationships progress, we usually revert back to the style that we find most appealing.

How often have you hear couples say, "You don't love me any more!" only to hear the other person say, "What are you talking about? I just [bought you../told you.../gave you a massage.../etc.] the other day"? This is an example of two people who's communication styles don't match.

Each of us has our own particular communication style and it's possible that hers is the same as yours or different. What you want to do is to determine what she needs in order to feel loved by you - and then to do it.

How do you determine this? The easiest way is to simply ask her!

You can start like this: just ask, "What makes you feel loved? Do you prefer it when you hear the words, when someone touches you or when someone shows you that they love you?"

Let her think about it and commit to a single answer. Many people like all of it, but everyone has a primary communication style and if you press her, she'll tell you what that is. Then, all you need to do is to give her your love in that particular style.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"