Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/30/2006

Question
Hi Dr. Neder

My situation is very unique and complex to me but probably not to you. Here goes. Keep in mind this first paragraph is written in detail to establish a noticeable behavioral pattern change in the months following.

I met a very attractive woman back in May of this year and we clicked within the first few minutes of chatting. She got close to me, she touched me several times, and our body chemistry was strong. I took her out to lunch a week later and the magic had heightened, although during lunch I noticed a tremendous amount of pain when our eyes locked briefly, IM not psychic, it was just a strong feeling I got when it happened. We had met again the week after where I casually and sympathetically confronted her on this and she confessed to a very difficult past. She had told me of her first abusive husband and how he beat her on their wedding night. The abuse was constant for a year until she lost their first child due to his physical abuse. (Evil BASTARD!) Her second marriage gave her 2 boys but a neglectful and emotionally abusive husband, which lasted about 18 years.
As our communication grew I would write her uplifting and positive letters to build her self-esteem and told her I would support her and care for her to the best of my abilities. She would tell me I was Heaven sent, and that no one has ever taken an emotional interest in her, in her entire life! She almost made it sound like it was too good to be true.
Weekends would come and she’d fall silent, and then with a little coaxing via text messaging she would reply with “IM having a bad weekend”. This happened every weekend with problems from a troubled younger sister, family and work issues to a problematic teenage son, to complaining about living in the basement of her parents in a small room…she’s 44yrs young so she feels like a total failure. I would reply with a positive letter about her living arrangements and situation and try to turn it around. I became her 24/7 pillar of hope and strength where I would check up on her periodically to keep her in check...maybe a bit too much attention given in hindsight.
By July we had met a few more times where we finally kissed and held hands at which point I was starting to feel something occur within me. She sent me an e-mail which triggered the “Love mechanism” in my heart, she also had professed her love for me at this point. The e-mail read, “You are truly heaven sent and I appreciate all your efforts to help me through this fiasco I’ve been going through for quite sometime”. “I’m sorry I’m such high maintenance and you’ve probably exhausted all your efforts and ideas and that makes me feel awful.” I've said it before...you are heaven sent. Would it scare you if I said that I think I need you. I'm not clingy, or a pain in the butt (at least I hope not) but I really do need you. You satisfy me emotionally and I love your company, your voice and that fabulous smile of yours.
Look who's the whole package now!!! My heart fell for her after reading that e-mail.

By august phone communication was becoming inexplicably lessened and I felt uneasy. By the end of August I sent her a dozen roses and she was floored. She kept telling me she cannot believe any one could be this amazing. I followed this up a week later by telling her I am writing a song ‘for her’, ‘about her’ with a positive message in the lyrics. She replied to my text message re: the song in tears stating she cant wait to have it so that she could listen to it often. When the song was completed a few weeks later she instantly fell in love with it and told me it was her favorite song, and that she loved my voice next to the song that most reminded her of me originally, “You’ve got a friend” by James Taylor. (“Winter, spring, summer or fall. All you got to do is call”.)
September became the month where I found myself trying to regain her attention even though I had wowed her with a song of which she kept telling me she felt so grateful and honored. In one of her texts sent to me Sept. 22 regarding her song she wrote, “You are so amazing! WOW! What a beautiful person! You really know how to reach within ones innermost being and awaken certain emotions. Thank you so much.”

The month of October became a struggle where I felt maybe she was pushing me away but then she would throw me off when I would leave her office and she would stand at the front door like a wife seeing her husband off to work with a tender wave of the hand (that happened on October 20th. )
I started to hint in my e-mails and texts if she still wanted me around but with her signature silence no response was ever given, it was ignored.
I finally text her on October 22nd again but this time more forward and direct….I got my answer. She told me although her feelings for me were genuine back in the summer she is not feeling them right now at the moment. Here’s the kicker. She told me she must have been on the rebound with me and that her interest ‘may’ still lie with a ‘friend’ in the not too distant past, and only time will tell if she feels something there for him. My heart was torn. She proceeded to say that for now relationships are not on her agenda due to the many issues that surround her life; “too much on my plate” was her exact words. She wrote that she has asked others to stay away and she “MAY” have to ask the same of me. She never officially did ask me to stay away but as a gentleman I responded with a favorable message stating that I hope this man is a kind and compassionate man for she deserves nothing less. I gave her my blessing. I have not contacted her since out of respect for what I believe was her wish. Like anyone who has loved then lost I feel an overwhelming emptiness and sadness I never felt before. The unrelentless efforts, time and patience I put into this relationship and her alone I just don’t understand it all. It makes no sense to me.
I just know that I ‘LOVE’ her dearly (emotional baggage and all) and I need to win her back.

Key notes:
-she has expressed she hates her life, her problems and what she’s become
-she is always tired and under a lot of stress
-She once told me she trusts no one, not even certain family members.
-she does not have many girlfriends because she does not trust women…they gossip too much she says.
-her oldest son just 2 weeks ago in front of me told his mom if he ever find out your seeing someone I’ll kick his ass and yours. He believes his parents should reconcile. (our relationship was private, no one knew).
-her replies to my texts became very formal rather than personal
-I admit I may have smothered her with far too much attention.
-I barely gave her space to sort things out on her own
-I tried too hard

Please Doctor, what have I done wrong? Can it be corrected? Do you think this man she speaks of is a diversion, meaning he does not exist so that maybe I walk away and be spared of her life’s problems?

Kind Regards
WVG


Answer
Hello Walter!

Frankly, I don't know where to begin with you!

"...what have I don't wrong?" My question is: what did you do right? Talk about going overboard! This woman is all about drama; which leads me to believe you are likely all about it too! The problem with two drama-inciting individuals being together is that they will always fight for the greater drama - each one wants to be "in the spotlight" so to speak. That's exactly what happened here (among about a hundred other things!), you catered so directly and specifically to her drama that she probably fears that you'll take it away from her!

Psychologists have a rule: they never "treat" anyone they know well. Here's why: they're just too close to the action to be objective. That's also what you've tried to do. You've tried to "fix" her problems by being the supportive, caring, loving guy, but you haven't bothered to be what she really needs: a strong man. You've catered entirely to her emotional self just like a girlfriend would do. Walter, I'm afraid that women don't usually date their girlfriends. If she did, you wouldn't be the right person for her anyway!

This "other guy" is likely someone that won't put up with all the crap, nor is he the guy writes long love-letters or songs. He's probably far less interested in her than you are; or at least he comes off that way. This is the #1 rule about women: they don't want to be chased, they want to DO the chasing. By doing all of these things for her, you've put her on the run with you chasing from behind. In a woman's mind, that puts you somewhere "below" her. Women only want to "date up", not the other way 'round.

She was deeply moved and even flattered that someone cared for her and you honestly believed that this was the way to her heart. All it did was to send up big, red warning flags all over the place! Now, instead of reaching your goal of having her fall in love with you, she's actually weary of you - and rushing head-long right back into someone else's arms.

Even when she asked for space, you (as a gentleman) gave it to her. This is yet another sign not of a strong, caring, honorable guy, but of weakness. Trust me on this one: what she doesn't need is more sympathy or caring or consideration. What she needs (and she KNOWS she needs) is pure, masculine strength.

To be quite honest, you may have done so much damage here that you'll never repair it. That leaves you stuck in a quandry - you're in love with her, she doesn't return your feelings, but what are you going to do now? Even if this other guy does get fed up with all the drama and walks, she may come back to you, but not romantically. She'll come back because she knows that you'll give her support and will boost her ego. In effect, at this point, it's very, very unlikely that you'll ever get what you want.

Walter, I'm sorry to be so bleak here, but I constantly wish that guys would come to me well before they start nailing their coffins shut. Yours is not only nailed shut, but it's burried and the headstone is in place. Now, you want me to help you dig your way out and to be honest, I don't think you can. If you go back to her and try to be the strong guy she needs, she's never going to believe you now. Worse yet, she's going to fight you which will mean that you'll have to be even stronger and it'll all eventually wind up in a battle - far from where you want it to be.

Considering your situation, the best advice I can offer you is something I sincerely doubt you'll take: drop contact with her, heal and move on. Then, don't do any of this with the next woman you meet.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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