Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/17/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dr Neder
I am Arooj a final year undergraduate student from India studying in Canada. I am interested in one of my classmate who is from central Europe whom I met in my summer class two months back. She is the only girl I talk in that particular class and the vice versa. We have developed a very good rapport since I have been helping her with studies. I visited her a couple of times and stayed one night at her apartment without being physical (we just studied together). She also came to my apartment for lunch and stuff. I think she feels comfortable being with me but now I realize that she is seeing another guy whom she calls just a friend, not a boyfriend, at least in front of me! Do you think our friendship was long and close enough for me to move further from just being a friend? Or should I give up, as she is seeing another guy who is more compatible to her at least culturally? Hope to hear from you.

ANSWER: Hello Arooj!

Other guys - even boyfriends - aren't a barrier to you becoming a boyfriend; however your skill set is!

That leads me to your main problem: you've become her friend. That is potential-relationship death! Women don't date their "friends" and if you allow yourself to become one, you're also taking yourself off her list.

I suggest you go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the short video on "friends" there under BAM TV. Then, click on "Self Help" and read my FAQ's - and the articles listed about this.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dr Neder
Thanks for the reply. Your advice and the FAQ s in the website are awesome! I agree with you that those wait-in-line kind of friends don't get to kiss a girl! But I still have a doubt: is it not a bit of unnatural thing, if not for the girl, but for myself, to try be be a girl's boyfriend without being a good acquainatace (by acquaintance I dnon;t mean those who help her buy dog biscuit for her dog!)?
Now coming to my case,do two months of being around and staying at her apartment one night without being physical and helping her before one exam make me that wait-in-line and  use and through "friend" every clever woman wants? Do you think I can still move on (I am asking because I didn't show to her I was desperate for her anyway or even said "Oh, you are such a nice friend of mine"). When I asked her yesterday to hang out with me next week(this weekend she would at her sister's place) she said "Oh, yes." Now how early should I call her after she is back in town or I should wait until she calls me to say that she is back? What if she doesn't call? And if we agree to hang out, shall I take out for a dinner (which I feel even friends do; even I am inviting another girl for lunch at my place tomorrow as I consider her just friend!) or take her for a movie or ask to jion me in a night club? I am asking this as I have no experience of going on a formal date though I have gone out with a lot of ladies whom I consider just a friends! Also, I don't want to be a "friend" with this girl and don't mind to accept the fact that she can't be my so called fried if she can't be my girlfriend. So please suggest taking that into consideration. Hope to talk to you more.
Regards
Arooj


Answer
Hello again Arooj!

Thanks for your comments about the website - truly a labor of "love"!

I fully understand your point. It SEEMS like getting close to her (as a form of friendship) would be a good idea. In fact, that never works - it always works against you.

What women see isn't a guy that is really nice and someone they could start dating and eventually fall in love with; what they see is a coward that isn't willing to take the lead and turn things into something more serious. Women will let you do this to yourself as it's your decision where things go.

You have a choice: either you want her as a friend or you want her as something more. You can't have both. If you pursue the friendship (as you presently are doing) that is what you'll have and nothing more. If you pursue her as a girlfriend, you'll absolutely lose the friendship whether she's interested or not. That's just the way it is.

It helps if you understand how women think, and while I can't give you very much on this through email, I can say that women want a man that knows what HE wants. If you leave all of this up to her, she'll see you as someone weak and without direction, and thus, won't feel safe or attracted to you.

As to what you should do: wait about a week after she gets back. If she calls you, fine, but don't count on it. Women rarely will do that, (remember: this is YOUR job, not hers.) Call her and say, "Clear your Friday night (or whenever) and let's get together so you can tell me about your trip." You've just set up the date, so DO NOT try to hold the date on the phone!

When you go on this date, you have to really turn on the charm, but don't spend the evening talking about yourself - talk about her. Really get to know her. You're also going to have to kiss her. This is how you begin to turn the friendship into what you want.

Best regards....

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"