Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/24/2006

Question
What sparked this was an argument about our future. Specifically marriage. She asked me why I never initiated a conversation about where this relationship was going. Why we hever talked about how many kids we want or where we were going to live in the future. After the fight, she said she need some time to think. A week later, she stopped by my place and broke it off.

Thanks for the advice doc. I've decided to break off all contact as you said. At what point should I re-establish contact? If she calls, should I pick up? At what point should I return back into her life? I am afraid that if I am out of contact too long, she will completely move on.

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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
Hello Dr. Dennis Neder. Here is my situation...

My girlfriend of 2 years recently broke up with me. The reason she broke up with me is because I was a jerk. During the beginning of our relationship, she was the happiest girl in the world because I was in her vision, "the perfect man". I was sweet, affectionate, and always went out of my way just to see her smile. After time went by I became selfish and only worried about my needs. She continued to work on our relationship and tried to get me to see the things I was doing wrong. I ignored her, and didn’t really treat her as the woman I love. She poured everything she had in her heart into our relationship, and I rarely reciprocated. I mean don’t get me wrong, I didn’t completely ignore her. However, it was enough to push her away.

Her biggest issues she had with me were her family, and her faith. I would always feel uncomfortable when around her family so I would avoid them as much as possible. There was nothing her family did to make me feel this way, it was just something I felt and I made no effort in even getting to know them. Stupid move on my part I know. She and I believe in different faiths. I myself am not very religious so I told her I was open to changing my faith (this is required if we were to get married). She had asked me to go to church with her several times just to "check it out" and see what I think. I again, never made the effort to go. The other problem I have is that I am not very good at showing affection. I would think all these wonderful things about her in my head but I would never show them. I would plan our future together, but I would never share them.

I love this girl very much. I have had my share of experiences in dating and know what I want in a wife. She's the one. No questions asked. I always ran on the assumption that we would one day get married. I became very selfish and I was blind to see how much I was hurting the girl of my dreams. I now see my wrong ways. I have taken a step back and viewed our relationship from her eyes. I do not blame her for leaving me. She deserves only the best and I was not providing that for her.

It has been only a month since we have broken up and we are still friends. We talk on a semi-daily basis and I take her out once a week to see if I can get that spark back in her heart. When we are together, everything is great. We have fun, we talk, we laugh. I can put my arm around her and sometimes I can hold her hand. I have asked for a second chance on several occasions however she is not open to that at all. She only keeps in touch with me because she wants to be friend. Dr. Neder, what can I do to win back her love?
-----Answer-----
Hello Ken!

Simple answer: get scarce.

Let's examine this situation a little closer. Why do you think that she keeps you around to "just be friends"? More important, what do you think is going to happen when she meets someone else and starts dating that person? Do you think this is still going to be the friendly, buddy relationship you have now?

The way things are, you're effectively paying a penance for some wrongs you feel you've committed. You're trying to now give her all the closeness she didn't have when you two were together, but remember: she was with you because she wanted to be with you. Now, she's not with you because, well, she doesn't want to be with you - not because you do. In effect, this is her game - not yours. She controls all the cards, not you.

I often explain to guys that they need to get in touch with their "inner assholes" in order to make things work in relationships. Many people assume that means that they have to be abusive, self-centered jackasses that mistreat someone else. Au contrair!

What this really means is that they have to let go of a need to give and give and give - just like you're doing now. It seems that this is how we "sell" ourselves to our partners, but that's not what women want from men. What they really crave is our strength, power, focus and direction. These are the qualities that also fade away when we try to do what you're doing now.

You didn't mention what caused her to break up with you specifically. Usually this occurs after some argument. Right now, she's holding your feet to the fire trying to punish you for whatever that was, but more important, you're letting her do it. That doesn't sound like the strong, focused guy that she originally fell in love with, does it?

If you break off all connection with her now, she'll have to deal with the hurt of losing you - and she'll have to get over it. What's good about that is that we are all pre-wired with the natural ability to forget the bad times while remembering the good. This is nature's gift to those that have ever loved someone else.

Right now, see may very well see you as the weak guy that lost something he is now begging to have back. You've given her all the power. Trust me on this: she doesn't want it. She'll take it if she has to, but that is 180 degrees away from what attracted her to you in the first place.

This means cutting off all contact 100% - no phone calls, no visits, no emails, no nothing. Cut it all off cold-turkey. If you continue being her "friend", you are absolutely assuring yourself that you will never be anything else. Once she starts to experience this loss, it'll be a very different image she has of you.

Do you risk losing her completely? Yes, you do, but let's face it - you don't have her now either, do you?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

Answer
Hello again Ken!

Sure - if you totally break off all contact for more than a couple of months, she's going to completely heal and move on. However, I'm not talking about that. I'm saying that you should get very scarce.

Stop calling or contacting her in any way for about 2 weeks and see if she contacts you. When she does, don't pick up the phone or answer the email immediately. Give her a few days before you respond. When she asks you where you've been, just say that you've been "busy". She doesn't have to know what you're doing as you're not together any more.

Then, if she wants to jump right back in being your "buddy", don't do it. If you need to, explain to her that you already have enough "friends" and that's not what you want with her (she'll figure out what you really DO want!) In fact, you probably can keep this going for quite a long time.

One other point we didn't discuss before: she appears to want to be married. That's fine, however is that in your own goals? Do you want to be married to someone some time soon? Remember, she's very likely thinking that if she can make you miserable enough that you'll do anything to get her back - even get engaged. That is absolutely NOT a good idea!

As I constantly say, there aren't too many divorce, there are too many marriages. You only want to consider marriage after everything else in the relationship is "perfect". Your relationship far from that.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"