Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/13/2006

Question
Thank you Very Much Doctor. Your question about what to do then is something I'd have to figure out. All i know is that i would rather be with her and have the fighting then have nothing at all. Thank you once again.
-------------------------------------------
The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
Dr.Neder

I desperately need your help. Granted I'm rather young, soon turning 18, but I need advice from someone. Recently My girlfriend of 2 years and I broke up. It was a mutual break up due to the fact that recently we had been fighting much more than either of us were comfortable with, and no matter what we tried we couldn't fix it. However within a week of this break up I was miserable, I do love her Doctor and she loves me. I finally asked her to come back to me, she stated that she had to much going on and wasn't ready, i told her i could wait.

Then three days later a mutual friend calls me and tells me that shes been lying to me, she had been going out with someone i strongly disliked within three days of our break-up. I confronted her about it and she admitted it, saying the reason she didn't tell me was because she didn't want to hurt me. She still says she loves me and i belive her.A day after this happened she broke up with him, but made no move back to me. Its been maybe a week since this happened, I've been talking to her since and she recently told me that for now she wants to just be friends but she hopes one day that we can be together again. But from the way she was talking it sounded as if she wants the friendship to be a permanent one. Doctor him hurting. I know what your probably going to say. That him young and relationships like this will happen all the time. But this one was different. I truly love her and i belive she loves me. Tell me what i should do.

Thank you for your time.
-----Answer-----
Hello Garrett!

Well, I'll give you an answer, but you're not going to like it very much.

It's obvious from your message that you want something "active" to do in order to get her back - something to say, some way of being, etc. In fact, you need to do the opposite here.

First of all, you absolutely DO NOT want to be her "friend". That is going to kill any further change you may have with her. In effect, she gets everything she wants from you and you get nothing. She gets your attention, she knows that she has you on a leash whenever she needs some support - all while knowing what you want and not giving it to you. That's not a very good deal when you see it from that perspective, is it?

So, what you need to do is just the opposite - you need to get scarce. I'd also suggest that you tell her that you've decided you don't want to be her "friend". She's just going to have to deal with that issue.

Next, you need to get back in there and start dating other women right away! If you don't do these two steps, you have nothing to work with. All you can do is wait around for her to change her mind, and since she's already getting everything else she wants, she has no motivation to change anything.

By being scarce, she's going to get a chance to miss you and start to see that she really wants you in her life. That will never happen if you stay her friend. Likewise, if you start dating other women, she's going to start seeing that her own choices are pushing you away. Thus, she'll have to make other choices.

Garrett, I understand how you feel but realize that by simply giving her the power to make all these decisions by herself, you're also shooting yourself in the foot. You have to take a very different tack than you're taking if you want her back.

One more point:

Let's say that you and she got back together. What then? You still haven't solved the problem of all the fighting and as soon as the excitement of being back together wears off, you're going to be right back where you were. You need a strategy to fix this problem before it becomes one again.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis NW. Kneader
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

Answer
Hello again Garrett!

Actually, that question was rhetorical - there is no answer of what to do next. I've told you what you need to do, and I told you that you weren't going to like it very much.

If you are able to work out what caused you to fight in the first place, that will handle that problem. The real problem here is to get her back. You're not going to find some magic potion or spell that will do this for you other than what I've given you. Being her "friend" is absolutely NOT one of those ways, by the way!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"