Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/26/2007

Question
I am 18 years old and a high school senior. My girlfriend is also 18 and a senior. We have been together since the beginning og the school year. I want to have sex, but she keeps telling me she is not ready. Man, I am so horny I can't stand it, but I don't want to break up with her, and I don't want to cheat on her.  

Answer
Hello Joey!

Dr. Dennis says: "Don't be a hater - be a masturbator!"

Here's some reality:

1) You can't make a person do anything they don't want to do.

2) In a relationship or even marriage you never "own" another person. Thus, they can do anything they damn well please to do - or not.

3) You have needs (well, all us guys do - get in line!) and have to find some way of dealing with them.

A healthy sex life is an extremely important part of a healthy relationship. When someone tells me that they're not ready for sex, that just tells me that they're not ready for a healthy, mature relationship either! While I'm perfectly ok with that choice if someone wants to make it, I'm not ok with inflicting that on others.

So, since we're making lists, let's continue by examining your choices:

1) Do nothing and hope that she eventually changes - and spank it more often.
2) Try to convince her to change.
3) Rape her (included simply for completeness - DO NOT do this! Not only is it illegal, it's a heinous act by a weak, sick individual - no exceptions!)
4) Explore alternate sex options such as oral, hand jobs, etc. that she may be ok with.
5) Break up with her.
6) Find your release - and experience - elsewhere while trying to maintain the relationship with her.

Joey, what other choices do you have? I think I've covered the bases here, but before you decide, consider what I said before: sex (among adults - which, by being 18, you both qualify) is an important part of any healthy relationship, in my humble.

Here's what I recommend:

Your relationship should be good enough by now that you can talk openly and honestly about anything - including sex. You need to explain to her that you have needs and while you respect her wishes, she needs to respect yours too. That means that if she can't (or won't) be an active part in this aspect of your relationship; and since you don't want to break up with her, that you're going to find that release elsewhere. Likewise, you have no responsibility to give her the same "freedom" since you're very willing to be her partner if she chooses.

Then, you need to go find that release with someone that shares your views, maturity and needs.

Keep in mind that she risks losing you to someone else just as you risk losing her because her feelings are hurt. Those are the tradeoffs. However, I've actually seen this work with some people. Can it work for you? That depends entirely on you two.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
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