Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/22/2007

Question
Hello Dr Neder
Hope you are doing great! I have question for you. I went out with this girl last night. We have known each other since a few months and are kind of friendly; but never went out together. We went to a restaurant and had a nice dinner with interesting conversation. However, while paying the bill she insisted on paying it. But I didn't let her pay; so she paid the tip! Then we went to a pub. She was almost trying to be close to me while going to the bar and while drinking. But after two drinks she said she was feeling sleepy and she wanted to go home once I finished my drinks. I proposed her to dance for a while but she said it was too late and she had a paper due. I said okay, and dropped her home and she thanked me with a goodnight hug. Do you think she was really sleepy or she wasn't interested in me? I know that she really has a paper due; but I am not sure if she was really tired or she just lost interest in me. I personally don't think I did anything offensive to disappoint her. Do you think I should ask her again? If yes, then how early should I call her?
Hope to hear from you. Merry Christmas!
Regards
Kumar


Answer
Hello Kumar!

First of all, you did most things right with the check. Here's the reality: today, many women will offer to pay the check or at least half. This is just polite and if they do nothing, it tells me they're in it to get - not give. However, you must not let her do that! You' "compromised" by letting pick up the tip and that's a great way to handle it. However, you should have added, "I'll tell you what - you get the next one and I'll get this one." Not only does that offer a compromise, it sets you up for the next date.

When a woman claims she's feeling sleepy during a date with you, that's not a good sign. It tells me either:

1) She's losing interest and isn't stimulated (interested) enough in you, or

2) You didn't end things early enough.

To the last point, it's always best to end things on a high note. You want her to be left feeling like she didn't get enough of you. You NEVER want her to feel like she's had her fill. How she's left will dictate what she'll think about you and the date the next day.

I'm also concerned that she hugged you instead of kissed you. Friends hug. Dates kiss.

With all this involved, (and I'm sure much more) I'd suggest you call her one more time just to check in. Have a realitively short conversation and it's also a good idea to open the conversation with "...I only have a minute or two but I wanted to check in..." That way, there's a sense of urgency on her part - and a knowledge that this isn't going to go on for hours.

Just ask her how she's been and judge the waters by her response. If she says, "Oh, fine I guess" and stops, she's not interested in talking and you can end the conversation and move on. On the other hand, if she seems chatty and wants to tell you everything that's been going on, you can cut her off after a few minutes and suggest that you continue to discussion over drinks or dinner again. There's your second date.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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