Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/11/2007

Question

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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
HELLO,

DOC I'VE BEEN IN ALOT OF PAIN AND TROUBLES SINCE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE LEFT ME! SHE LEFT ME ABOUT 5 1/2 MONTHS AGO.
WE WERE TOGETHER FOR 4 1/2 YEARS WE'VE BEEN THRU IT ALL!
I'LL BE BLUNT NOT TO BORE YOU AND WONDER!
HER AND I ARE STILL FRIENDS AND I SEND HER LOVE NOTES VIA E-MAIL AND CALL HER TIME TO TIME!
SHE ACCEPTS THEM ON MY SPACE AND SHE STILL GIVES ME ADVICE ON CERTAIN PROBLEMS I GO THRU IN LIFE.
WE HAD ISSUES ON TRUST. I'VE LIED TO HER BUT NOTHING SERIOUS
AND SHE SPIED ON ME WRITING E-MAILS TO OTHER FEMALE FRIENDS.
SHE BECAME EXTREMELY NOISY AND JEALOUS.
SHE FOUND A FEW OF MY E-MAILS I WROTE TO OTHER WOMEN!
BUT, I NEVER CHEATED ON HER BUT SHE IS STILL UNDER THE INFLUENCE THAT I DID!

I LOVE HER TO MUCH JUST TO LET HER GO AND I KNOW DEEP DOWN INSIDE SHE STILL LOVES ME IF SHE STILL ACCEPTS MY LETTERS AND COMMENTS ONLINE ON MYSPACE!
I TELL THAT I CARE FOR HER AND LOVE HER ALMOST EVERYDAY AND I LOOK AT HER PICTURES ONLINE EVERYDAY AS WELL.
I AM HER 2ND SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP SHE HAD IN HER LIFE AND HER SECOND SEX PARTHNER SHE EVER HAD IN HISTORY!

SHE'S A LIL OLDER THAN ME AND FARTHER IN LIFE THAN ME.
SHE'S IS A SCHOOL TEACHER AND I'M A STRUGGLING STUDENT.
SHE'S 24 AND I'M 22!

SHE'S A DIE HARD CHRISTIAN AND I'M AN ATHIEST!
SHE LOVES ME STILL BUT I BELIEVE IT'S GONNA BE EXTREMELY HARD TO GET HER TO TRUST ME AGAIN AND TO BE WITH ME AGAIN!

I NEED HELP DOC

I TOLD HER THE TRUTH ABOUT ALL MY WRONG DUEINGS AND OTHER THINGS I NEVER TOLD HER ABOUT ME
EX.........SEX PARTNERS, MY INSECURITIES AND THAT I WANNA START A FAMILY WITH AND MARRY HER,ETC......

AM I PRESSURING HER OR AM I DOING SOMETHING TO SCARE HER AWAY!

HELP ME PLEASE...............
I'M IN YOUR GRATTITUDE NEDER!
THANKS

MARC

-----Answer-----
Hello Marc!

Yes, you're doing a number of things to hurt yourself here.

You didn't say what specifically broke you two up, and why she left you, but it's not really that important. I almost get the sense that she didn't leave you to pursue someone or something else - she left you to punish you.

Let's talk about trust for just a moment:

Trust isn't something you give to someone else. In other words, you can't make someone trust you unless you give up all your own freedom. That's not a very attractive thing to either the giver or receiver!

People don't trust because someone makes them, they trust because they have reliance in their own ability to make good decisions about their lives. Many people want to pawn this responsibility off to someone else, but it never works. Either you trust yourself or you don't. Thus, stop worrying about her trust. That's her problem - you have others.

First off, keeping in constant contact may make you feel a little better (while prolonging your own agony) - but it also prevents her from missing you. What motivation does she have to come back to you when you're always there? Let's face it, she knows that she owns you - and when you get something for nothing you just don't take care of it like something you have to earn.

In 5 1/2 months, you've never let yourself heal enough to start making good decisions. You pine for her day in and day out instead of strengthening yourself in order to be the man she needs. You to go her for advice as though you're one of her students. I seriously doubt that's the kind of man she wants!

Confessing all the things you've done wrong is also a huge mistake. We've all made mistakes, but it's not the mistakes that are important - it's what we've become because of those mistakes. In effect, you should totally forget the mistakes themselves and only focus on the lessons. It's whom you are that intersts a woman - not your screw-ups. I'll bet she's never sat down and confessed all of this to you! Now, you know why.

Marc, I'll bet she's scared of you. She's probably imagining that if she married you that she'd have to constantly be the parent, but never have the chance to be the woman here. I hope you really let that concept sink in. Women need to be with strong men in order to feel secure and loved. She likely doesn't feel that with you - especially now, but probably through most of your relationship.

So, the real question is: do you have what it takes to make this change and to be the man she needs? I'm sure you'll jump at the chance to say "yes", but look at your history - it likely hasn't been this way.

The rule is: the person that wants the relationship LEAST is in control of it. Ultimately, (although they'd argue the point), women do NOT want to be in control here. They want YOU to have it. So, how are you going to wrench back that control? Simple: by getting scarce, getting healed and finding your masculinity again.

Once you've healed and you "man-up", you can then go back to her and reconsider a relationship. Hopefully by that time she'll have realized that she doesn't want to be without you and you'll have something to work with. Right now, you have nothing.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"  

Answer
Hello again Marc!

Thanks for the rating!

I know this is all tough, but you're going to get through it. Trust me.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"