Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/12/2007

Question
QUESTION: There is this girl that I like.  I only see her in the morning.  I tried to ask her to the cotillion but i chickened out every time.  I am bad at talking to girls I don't know.  It is also awkward walking up to this girl who I've never talked to before and just start casual conversation.  Everyone always says, "Oh just go up to her and talk about classes or current events, or any other casual stuff.  But, if I did that it would seem awkward for me to just come out of nowhere and just start talking to her.  I'm also really bad at talking to them because I get nervous and my voice is shaky and other nervous things kick in.  I'm just overall bad at the getting to know her or even start a conversation or anything.  I also don't know if she knows my name.  Please help me!  Thank you.
ANSWER: Hello Seth!

This is a problem you absolutely need to get solved. Every guy has it by the way - don't think for a moment that you're the only one. EVERY GUY goes through this at first.

Here's some good news however: there are real answers to all of this. The bad news however is that it takes some study on your part. You can either learn everything through trial and error, or you can pick up on someone else's game and learn it. Of course, I suggest the latter as it's much less damaging to your ego!

A girl doesn't need to know your name for you to approach her. She just has to be somewhere that you can walk up and start talking to her. The first problem to overcome is what to talk about?

The answer is simple: think "context". Context is asking yourself this: "What do she and I have in common at this very instant in time at this place?" As soon as you can answer that question, you have your "approach"! If you go to school for instance, you have all sorts of context to draw from. If you're in the same classes, you have even more, etc.

What you do isn't to run up to her and say, "Hey we go to school together - let's go to the cotillion!" Instead, you engage her in conversation. You do this by asking her "open-ended questions". These are questions that have more than a simple "yes", "no" or one-word answer. For instance if you ask her "do you like this school?" she can answer in only one word. On the other hand, if you ask her WHAT she likes about it, she can give you an entire narrative! This is how you build rapport and connection.

Finally, you simply need to "close". This means to ask for what you want. I teach my students however that you don't "ask" as in "Do you want to go to the cotillion with me?" Instead, I teach guys to tell girls what they want instead. You can do this by saying "Hey, it was great to speak to you. Let's do this again and maybe we'll go to the cotillion together. Here, write down your number and I'll call you."

Seth, obviously, there's a lot of information inbetween all of this and that's where the study comes in. Don't try to just memorize a few lines and think it's going to work - it won't. Get some education behind you and you'll get this problem solved permanently for the rest of your life.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Just a quick follow up.  I have seen her at the local soccer fields because I see her there playing while I am working at the field.  I am never there long enough to be there after her game, but I also play soccer.  So, I know that we have that in common but I don't know about anything else.  How would I start a conversation with her and be able to bring up soccer so that we can talk about playing and other soccer stuff.  Thanks.

Answer
Hello again Seth!

Boy! Are you going to be sorry!

Seth, I get this question all the time and years ago, I used to answer it only to have guys come back to me for the next thing and the next thing after that. During all of this, they girl just gets bored and bolts. Why? Simple: no girl wants to wait around while you "read the manual"!

Then, these guys would come back to me and say "Hey - it didn't work!" Well OF COURSE it didn't work! They didn't learn how to play the game - they were just hoping that I'd do all their work for them (instead of trying to get the girl to do it for them instead.)

Seth - this won't work. I can give you all the lines in the world, but as soon as I do, you're no further along than you are right now!

YOU NEED TO LEARN TO THINK! Approaching any girl is just a matter of establishing context. Use your brain to help you through all of this! Asking me for some stupid line or topic doesn't get you very far at all. Girls are NOT attracted to your lines. Your job is NOT TO ENTERTAIN - it's to develop rapport and connection. As soon as you feed her some dumb line (that is, if she doesn't just laugh at you and walk away), then what are you going to do? Come running back here for the next line?

Ask yourself these questions: what about soccer can you use? What about seeing her at the field can you use? What about being at the same place at the same time can you use?

Even if it's something as simple as "Hey - I've seen you here before. You must really like soccer!" or anything else - it doesn't matter! All you're doing is breaking the ice and saying hello to her.

Seth, I really want you to learn how all of this is done so that you don't have to suffer with all the anxiety and nervousness. Having me court this girl for you doesn't help YOU at all! You deserve so much better than this!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"