Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/29/2007

Question
I recently asked a girl out that I see at work.  I work at a grocery store and she comes in through the vendors.  We went out together the two of us the first time.  We went and walked downtown and had fun toget and then walked to the beach, then she wanted to go and hang out with a group of her friends at a bomb fire.  I thought it went well so I called her and asked if she was interested in hanging out a second time a week later and we made plans and then when I went to call her she would not answer her phone that night.  She then apologized the next day and said she had family things she had to do.  About a week went by and we made plans to go out again, and we did another group activity which did not seem to go that well.  She kind of ignored me and talked to her friends most of the time.  At that point I figured I would just forget about seeing her because she is obviously not interested.  The following Monday she calls me and asks if I want to go to the drive in movie theater with her and some of her friends the next night.  I said yes that sound like fun.  The next night comes around and I call her and she says that her friends decided not to go so she did not want to go anymore, so I said why don't the two of us go and she was not interested in that.  I am  not sure what is going on here.  She likes to cancel when we have plans to go out.  At that point I just gave up and then she calls and invites me to go out and cancels because her friends changed their mind.  I do not know what to ask her next.  We seem to still talk a lot a work and I dont know if she is interested in me or not.  Just when I gave up she called me and got me all excited and decided not to go out.  What should I do?

Answer
Hello Mike!

She's avoiding being alone with you. Frankly, I think you should just kick her to the curb and move on. You really don't want to wind up just being her friend and that's exactly where things are headed. If you want to know more about these "friendships", check my website (http://beingaman.com) and look under BAM TV and the FAQ's under Self Help.

Keep in mind: that little game about not answering her phone and giving you some lame-ass lie about family is RUDE, RUDE, RUDE. Why you'd ever tolerate that sort of treatment is beyond me. Since you let her get away with it, she's probably lost all respect for you and is no longer interested in seeing you.

Here's a little advice on setting up dates:

First, agree CLEARLY on the everything when you first set the date - the time, date, place where you'll meet or if you'll pick her up (better), what you're going to do and even what you want her to wear. Be absolutely clear and NEVER, EVER agree to call to confirm a date! That just gives her a chance to back out of it.

Next, if she askes you to confirm it, say "No. Just put it in your calendar. If you don't know how to work a calendar, you'll never learn how to work me! Also, don't call me at the last minute and cancel. That's rude and a waste of my time." Not only will she have huge respect for you for doing this, but you'll all but eliminate these games.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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