Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/20/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dr D
  My girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me, telling me we need to become friends to re-evaluate the relationship. after a month suspecting she was talking to somebody else, despite she had told she wasn’t going to, I invaded her privacy by going into her email to see what was going on between them. She knew i went into her e-mail and sent me an email telling me she needed space away from me. After a few days, i went to her place to apologize with a rose for my action; she accepted my apology but left me outside while she went out with her friend, whom she had invited to her place, thinking i was going to hurt her. I tried several attempts to get her back by telling people to talk to her, but this attempt yield no positive outcome. after 2 month of heartache, i called her one morning, she told me to leave her alone, she is done with this, she doesn’t have any credibility in me, she doesn’t trust me then hang up, i called back with an attempt to explain the situation to her, she told me to shut up or she hang the phone, she did hang up on me. I was upset and decided to send her a nasty email about herself. I called her explaining the reason why I sent her the nasty email, I told her she made me do it, she wanted this, and that she had said so many nasty things to my face too, now I am still in love with her, still want her back. I sent her an apology letter telling her I am sorry for what I said about her, and that these feelings are new to me, I also sent a flower, e-card, and a book of her interest, she did not call me back to say thank you for the gift. now she doesn’t pick my phone, reply to my email   do i have a chance of getting her back? And what do I need to do to get her back. pls help me

Tony

ANSWER: Hello Tony!

"Hey Doc! I tortured the crap out of this poor girl, spied on her, verbally abused her and just kept calling and calling and she dumped me! Now I want her back!"

No, Tony, you aren't going to get her back. You need to take every ounce of effort you have in trying to get her back and put it into yourself instead.

I'm sure you're a good guy that just went a little nuts, but you need to get a handle on WHY all this has happened. Relationships are fragile things and it's easy to do so much damage to them that you'll never fix them. Your situation is a good example of this.

Why are you so insecure as to go through someone else's private stuff? What makes you feel like you can just react in rage and believe that might be a way to a postive outcome? These are valid questions that you need to ask yourself. Now is the time to get this handled.

Stop sending her apology letters, gifts and making phone calls to her. Let her heal and get working on your own healing. You don't need this problem affecting other relationships in the future and the time to get it solved is right now - not later! Get your self-image in check. If you can't do this alone, go see a professional. You'll be amazed at how someone outside can help you focus in on the real issues and help you to fix them permanently.

The positive news out of all of this is that you CAN do it - and this will help to make your next relationship solid and beneficial for you and your new partner.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for the response Dr D .Do you think our path can reunite again; I still love her and will do everything to make it up with her. Or how do i at least, become a friend with her.
Tony


Answer
Hey Tony!

You're very welcome.

There's a possibility that your paths could cross again, but it's a big world out there. You're going to meet a TON of other, incredible women before you do. Leave her alone and let her heal. No phone calls, no emails, no IM's, no gifts and especially, NO STALKING!!!!

Tony, I suggest you make it up to her by fixing these things in yourself first. Please don't hold out hope that everything will get back to where it was; and especially not by being her "friend". By being her "friend" you're absolutely assuring yourself that you'll never be anything else. Don't try to "work it from the inside." Instead, work on yourself and get it fixed permanently.

That way, if you should ever meet up with her again, you'll be able to say, "Yeah, I remember THAT Tony, but he's gone now" - and really mean it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"