Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/10/2006

Question
Hey.

I met this girl when I changed schools, she is my classmate. At first I didn't
like her at all, but then I completely fell in love with her. She told me off as
she already had a boyfriend at that time. 10 months have passed, and my feelings
are still are strong as they were 10 months ago, only this time she has broken
off with her boyfriend.

As a side note, they broke off yesterday, and she still lover him, but her
boyfriends has just cheated her that much that she will not continue with him.

As for another side note, I am not the only guy who is interested in her, there
are more. And of the guys is my schoolmate, and they have grown closer too, and
it's hard to watch them getting closer, but others say that there will be
nothing between them... I will miss this part, I really don't feel like talking
about it...

Anyways...

I've become closer with her too in the last few months. And we've had moments
much when we have grown even closer too each other, but only when we are in
private. We get along in school, we meet up after school with her friends and do
stuff. It's fun, but sometimes I lose the control, when I can't stand the pain
anymore and I just explode... I don't go swearing at her or anything like it, I
just... Go and cry... & tell her how much I love her...

I am going to tell you about few of the moments we have had together, so you
could analyze them -

1) We were at her place, it was fun, but at one moment I had to leave for my
bus. She came along and sent me out from her apartment and then gave me a very
strong and long hug. Then I looked her in her eyes, hold my hand on her face
cheek and told her that after 10 months, I still love her. She gave me another
hug. I told her that nothing seems to be helping, she said that time will help,
and asked me not to cry. Kissed her on her cheek and she did the same to me.
Then I left.

2) We were at school, in a room where only few persons had access to. She was on
a edge to break off with her boyfriend, and she was telling me about what her
boyfriend had done and how she still loves her. She was lying on the couch and I
was sitting on the floor right next to her watching her in her eyes. She was
really sad, you could see it in her deep eyes. She stopped her story... there
was a little pause... and then she asked me... What's wrong?! I watched her in
her eyes and told her that she is so beautiful (she is...). She turned her face
away and smiled. I had to catch my bus again so I had to go. But before that we
hugged again, for about 5 minutes or so. I asked her to watch in my eyes and I
told her that I love her. Kissed her on a cheek, twice. She didn't, she just
hugged me. After that, I left.

Those stories I just told you about, when I was going trough them, I truly felt
kissing her on her mouth. What do you think?! Might that feeling mean something,
or is it just typical men "I want sex!" thing?!

We have had more moments, also via phone, internet, letters. Yes letters, well,
chats in the classrooms during lessons, and my poems to her, which she really
likes and tells me that I am good writing poems. *my ego just got high*

She took my diary on the other day, and she drew and wrote in it. One page was
full of hearts and messages. She draws a lot of hearts everywhere, so I wouldn't
take it as a hope, but what she wrote in there, made me think. She wrote things
like: "I am your friend, our chats are different..."; "Smile again, your
happiness is not for away. Lose your tears and smile..."; "Don't let your mind
rule over your heart"; "Kiss-kiss!".

"Smile again, your happiness is not for away. Lose your tears and smile...";
"Don't let your mind rule over your heart" . Those two got most of my attention.
What do you think?! A hint?! Am I missing something here, because I know I am.

I called her last night, we talked about her and me. She said that I should try
to get over it, and she said that she  doesn't know how to cheer me up or how to
support me. I asked if I could tell her something she knows I want to tell her
already. She said go ahead. I told her that I love her. It was the end of the
converstation.

I once asked her to describe me she said that it's impossible, that I am so
flexable and have many thing in me. That I am caring, loving and in her heart.
(As a friend, I guess...).

I've been told that I should forget about her, try with other girls. Trust me, I
have, but everytime I get closer with other girls, Elis always comes back to my
mind and I just have to quit it with other girls, because I feel like I am using
them to get over Elis or just lying to them. I am not a guy who wants to hurt
girls feelings, but at times, I still fuck up and hurt their feelings, even
Elis's :'(.

In my heart, I feel that I am going to be together with her one day, I feel that
something is hidden at the moment. I love her so much. I dream about her, I
hope, I feel, I believe...! Others tell me that I am stupid, they tell me that I
will never get her! BUT I STILL BELIEVE! Something in my heart refuses to give
up! It's my life... I must follow my heart...

Personally, I feel that she is hiding something deep in her heart, something
that she refuses to admit. She has told me that time will fix it, but then
again, all those moments we have had, all those chats we have had, there is
something between us two, we are just having hard times getting on the same
frequency, I think.

Am I missing something? Am I doing something wrong, or maybe I should do more?
Show her that I care, love?! Be a gentlemen. I've got problem with my
self-esteem at times... at times I feel I have to help her/or others, I am just
too scared. But I'm fighting it off.

As for a side note, I've never had a girlfriend before... or been with a girl...
in... well you know what I mean...

Anyways. If you could please analyze it, give me some advice, anything. You can
even ask me questions...

Tambet,
I Love Her So Much!!!  

Answer
Hello Ted!

I fear this is going to end very badly for you. No, I don't need to ask you any questions, I see what's going on here very clearly. You are in love with her, and she is taking advantage of you and your love while holding you off at arm's length.

You do all these sweet things for her - which she just eats up, especially considering how things ended with her boyfriend. You're going out of your way to boost her sagging ego, and she keeps you on just enough leash to keep all of these things going - without having to give you what YOU want.

This is incredibly cruel on her part, but she doesn't give a shit! She gets what she wants, and keeps you around for that only. It's very, very selifsh.

Ted, here's the reality: you want to love her so much that she begins to love you back. She doesn't, and she won't. She wants someone that SHE has to chase after - that SHE HAS TO WORK FOR. You've already given all of yourself away to her - for nothing. Guess what that's worth to her - NOTHING!

So many men (including you) believe that if they can just work hard enough, or love someone enough and do all the right things that the women will love them back. This only works in Disney fairytales. There are all sorts of things in they way here preventing this from happening. Women want to feel "chemistry" from the moment they meet a guy and if they don't, they put you in the "friends" category - a pit from which you'll never escape.

Further, OF COURSE you're not getting over her when you're with other girls - she keeps drawing you back in, and you go happily rushing back to her. You're never going to get over her until you sever any further contact. As well, you ARE using these other girls, but that's not a bad thing. We all use each other for our own selfish needs all the time, (just look at this girl!) However, you have to be clear about what you can offer - and what you can't (unlike this girl!)

Ted, you want me to "read into" these events and tell you that they mean something. Ok, let me tell you what they mean: they mean that she's just trying to hold on to you long enough until she gets her own emotional strength back so that she can go find someone else to fall in love with and kick you to the curb. Worse yet, she'll have no regret about it. After all, it's YOUR fault about how you feel - not hers.

I doubt you believe what I'm telling you here because it's not what you want to hear. If you've even read this far, let me tell you exactly what you need to do:

1) Start to see this for exactly what it is.
2) Purge this girl from your life the best you can - stop any further contact with her whatsoever.
3) Heal up so that you CAN have what you want in your life.
4) Move on.

Like I said, I doubt you're willing to believe all of this yet, but let me give you a little test that will help you: kiss her. Don't just give her a peck on the cheek however - kiss her like she's already your girlfriend. This is a powerful message and if I'm wrong, you'll have what you want.

On the other hand, if I'm right, you'll have the information you need in order to get out of this tragic, painful situation.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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