Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/30/2007

Question
Hey whats up my name is Juan and im 15 years old. Well I just had a question about the hole friend thing. I was reading this answear you have to someone and you said not to start off as friend with a girl. The thing is I had this girl that I was friend with and we were real good friends for a while and all of a sudden she started to like me alot she was the first girl that I saw fall for me so hard and the same thing happen to me. Also I think the same thing is starting to happend with another girl cause everything is happending the same way with the other one and know I saw the other one stareing at me too. Could you tell me what it is that im doing cause if you say not to start as firend with a girl why did these two girl fallin for me ???

here is the answear you gave

Hello Matthew!

I'm sorry to tell you this: as far as being "afraid" of losing her as a friend, you already have.

Think about this: it's going to get creepy pretty soon as she begins to wonder why you're still hanging around when you already told her what you wanted - and she turned you down. When she starts dating someone else, this is going to be even weirder.

Matthew, you need to get this absolutely clear in your mind: you MUST NOT become a woman's "friend" when you might want something more. All women know this and they'll let you decide what you want to be. However, if you choose "friendship" first, you'll never, never, ever be anything else to her.

If you want something more, you have to START with that instead. Don't try to "work it from the inside" thinking that if you become her friend she'll see what a great guy you are and do your work for you. She won't.

For more on this - go read my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President  

Answer
Hello Juan!

Thanks for copying the original reply. With the numbers of letters I get everyday from readers, it's impossible to keep them separated in my mind!

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking me here. If you're saying that these girls are trying to get close to you because they're attracted to you, that's a very different thing than guys that try to "work it from the inside" by thinking that they can friend-up to a girl first and have her fall in love with them.

If you don't want this to happen, then you need to address it early on - as soon as you suspect that something's happening. Explain that you only see these girls as friends and that you aren't interested in anything more.

If you're up front about this and clear, they'll be much better able to handle it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
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Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"