Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/7/2007

Question
Ok that answer definitely helped me. Well so I have a question, let me pertain this to my own life. I was dating this guy for 6 weeks and I am a virgin and he isn't. He never tried to get me to do anything I didn't want to do though and he never pressured me for sex. He seemed really into me and was always calling me to go out with him. Then one day out of the blue he told me that we need to take a "break just for right now" and then two days later he was dating another girl. Ouch! What a jackass.

I am wondering if he left me because I hadn't slept with him yet. Him and this girl are already hot and heavy and joking around about making babies. Ouch.

But I have met another guy I like and he likes me so hopefully we can date. so I can move on. but this still hurts.

Either way i'm glad I never slept with him.

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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
I've gotta question for you. About how long generally is it expected that when a couple starts dating that they will have sex by?

Also, is it true that when a man does not get sex (meaning penis/vaginal, not just touching, oral etc) by a certain amount of time he leaves the relationship and finds another girl. What is that time limit?
-----Answer-----
Hello Lauren!

There is no general rule about when to have sex, other than when the time is "right". Likewise, there's no specific timeframe by which a man will leave a relationship if he doesn't have sex.

Let's start with this: NEVER, EVER trade sex for a relationship! Many women do this - they either enter into a sexual relationship too early or just have sex as a way to keep (or to continue to keep) a guy around or to get him to commit. That's a very bad idea.

Yes, it's true that there is a "window of opportunity" with most men. The reason for this is that while you use sex to create bonding and intimacy, men use sex initially to determine if they WANT TO create bonding and intimacy. After some time (that time is different for every man), he will move on emotionally. He'll still be willing to have sex with you however, but you'll probably never have his heart.

As to whether this is specifically vaginal sex, oral sex - or any other type of sex is again, man-dependent. Everyone is different. Some women see oral sex as a non-sex act and thus are less "invested" in it. Others see oral sex as even more intimate than vaginal sex. Just as with men, it's different for every woman!

So, what's the final answer to your question? It's this:

Realize that a healthy sex life is an important part of a healthy relationship. When you're ready to move into a relationship, that's probably the time that you're ready to begin considering sex. Keep in mind that I'm framing this entirely in the context of relationships. Many people (both men AND women) also seek out "maintenance sex" - sex purely for it's own benefit - not to build a relationship. There is nothing particularly wrong with this by the way as long as the people involved understand the reasons for it.

If you aren't ready to begin building a relationship with someone, you probably aren't ready to have sex with them either. If this doesn't fit with the guy's agenda and he moves on, then so be it. As I tell my male students: "NEXT!!!!"

Also, sexual activity REQURIES a condom. No exceptions.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

Answer
Hello again Lauren!

I'm afraid I don't read minds in order to tell you why he took that break, but it seems like sex was the reason.

Here's the fact: while men control the relationship, women control the sex. Many men translate this into waiting around for the woman to initiate sex - or at least indicate that they're ready. This is probably why he didn't pursue it with you in a more active, direct way.

If you've read other htings I've written, you know that I feel virginity is highly overrated. However, only you can know when it's right to move forward with your own sexual/emotional education and relationships.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"