Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/13/2007

Question
QUESTION: Dr. Neder,

Recently last week my girlfriend of 1 year told me that we should take a "break" because she feels she is too young and that we are getting way to attached.

I am totally surprised and confused by this because we have been happier then happy can be for the past year that we have spent together. I also became very very close with her family and still talk to her dad every day.

I am 20 and she is 19 and we were inseparable (sp) for the past year. I would stay at her house 4 nights a week. Eat dinner every night with her family. It was the best year of my life and I felt she was the same.

As summer from college comes around and we are ready to have 3 months summer with no school she all the sudden started to go out with her friends and I started to worry and get very agitated.

One night I did what I shouldn't have and I went over to her house very upset after searching for her all night because she wouldn't answer my calls and when I got to her house she told me that we needed this "break" to figure things out. I then went home after feeling like my life was about to end and read her Myspace messages. What I found was a guy talking to her very kindly and saying things like "hey baby whats up just wondering if were gonna hang out this week" and she would respond not saying anything to touchy just saying stuff like "your silly ya we'll see I may be around" or things like that.

After reading that my heart sunk into my chest and I felt like I couldn't eat, sleep or do anything for that matter. After 2 days of waiting I called her out of desperation and convinced her that I talk would be best for us.

I went over to her house and we had a very passionate talk. Agreeing that we both loved eachother and crying to eachother. I told her I would not kiss her but she started crying and I asked her if thats what she wanted and she replied with yes so I kissed her. At that point I felt great about this break and that it would be great for her. We expressed and told eachother that we love eachother and also agreed that she would be the next one to contact me. She also expressed that the past week has been so hard and that she cant eat, sleep or do anything either and that the only time when she feels not alone is when she is with her friends.

I left and felt better until her friend called me later that night saying that she found out that the other night she had a party at her house with a bunch of her girlfriends and invited this guy and his friends to come party. They drank and no one wanted to drive home impaired so they all slept over.

I find out and couldn't hold myself back from calling her again. I told her that I had found out some things and she insisted I told her who was talking about her behind her back. I told her it didn't matter and would not give the person up. She got very mad and the phone called ended with her saying that she needs a break and that she loves me and that there is no other guy, this break is simply to be young and not look back in a few years and regret not partying like a "college" kid should. She re-assured me that this guy was not ANYONE she was interested in him and that there is no attraction, he is just a friend.

From that point on I left it alone and have been sitting here agonizing over what she might be out doing. I checked her myspace and she has all these new pictures up of her partying and dancing and it really makes me jealous again and feel like I really miss her more than anything in the world.

Our love was so strong, we did not argue much and we always felt like we would be forever and she totally blind sided me with this break and it came at a bad time when it is her birthday next week and I already got her a ring that has her name engraved in it and I graduate from college tomorrow with my associates to move onto ASU where she will also be attending her sophomore year and her parents called to say that she will not be attending my grad party because its just to hard right now but that they got me a gift and want me to have it and I agreed she should have the ring etc..

This came at such a bad time and I am completely lost on what to do.

Please give me some insight.

Best Regards,

Aaron
ANSWER: Hello Aaron!

If you're writing hoping that I'll make you feel better, I'm afraid you'd better stop reading this right here. I don't have good news for you.

This girl doesn't want you or the relationship. She's not on a break - she's breaking up with you but just doesn't have the courtesy to tell you so. I think that's pretty cruel considering what you had together. All of that talking and crying doesn't change anything.

Aaron, here's the reality: this is going to sting for a long time, but you've got to get over it and move on. I strongly urge you to take anything you have that reminds you of her and put it in a box and store it away somewhere. Use every bit of strength you have to NOT call her, run into her, text her or look at her myspace page.

You've got to totally and completely purge her from you in order to get over this and move on. The sooner the better. This is even more important considering that you're getting ready for college. This is the time in your life that you want to have the "college experience". You don't want to be bogged down with all of this deep hurt during these years - you're going to miss a ton of great experiences.

Even more important, you're going to miss a bunch of incredible girls that are going to help you forget this one. Some day, she'll be a happy footnote in your life and you'll go back to that box, look through it, smile and dump it in the trash. That's when you know you'll have healed and moved on.

Please stop torturing yourself here. You've got to let this go and get to healing.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I checked her myspace again to see him saying he missed her and she replied back saying she missed him to. At that point I went to her house and told her I was through and got all of my stuff.

I am moving on and she does not deserve me. She will soon realize that I was the best for her and then I will refuse to take her back.

Also FYI, after some of her friends found out we split they have started calling and giving interest in me. They saw how good I was to her and now they think maybe perhaps they can take her place. All are extremely atractive (magazine material) and I feel great that I can meet them and find out stuff I never knew about them before.

Answer
Hello again Aaron!

Great news - and great job. I'm glad to hear that you're moving on and even have some new prospects in the works. You're going to be glad you did!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"