Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/28/2007

Question
Hey, Dr. Neder. I have lots of trouble getting into relationships; the problem isn't that I am unattractive (in fact its on the opposite spectrum) or am a "loser" or anything like that, the problem is that I always come off as a "joker." Let me explain:

Typically I am very quiet (I rarely speak to strangers), and, for God knows what reason, women are often enamored, as you probably know, to men with an adamantine poise--and thus women are curious to as why I never speak (this is because I am uncomfortable around most people) and turns into some romantic infatuation on her part. Consequently, I am held up in some ridiculous high regard; when I do open my mouth, a string dry humour jokes excrete out of my mouth (rather than the romantic schemes I had in my mind). I believe this is due to my excessive nervousness. No doubt they laugh and find me to be a jocose fellow, but, as you can see, this does indeed impede upon potential romances. Now I understand that every relationship needs humour, but the romance part never comes out of me, even though I feel it enormously. And so women end up seeing me as a fun and amusing clown rather than the "big burly man" who is the stone of their life.  Thus, instead of being that romantic person that I feel I am at heart, I am "the Joker" or a "Clown." Even if I were to take romantic advances towards the women who are now my friends, they would probably be confounded because I don't seem "that way" or that I seem "emotionally cold" despite the fact that I knew they were romantically inclined to me when we first met. I'm always afraid to get into relationships because I am led to believe that I will not last long, as soon as she realizes that I am a "clown."
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After this my real question is how I can bring out that romantic person that is lying dormant in there. I know he is in there, but he's always hiding behind his stupid little jokes! How can I maintain that romantic and obsidian stature that women initially place in me? Can I even live up to that standard? or am I really just a lonely "clown" and destined to be forever a clown with no romances and but many "just friends"?

Answer
Hello Jay!

I believe you're right - this *is* due to your excessive nervousness. You're wrong on one important point however. I think you're chasing the wrong image.

Women consistently report that the #1 most attractive feature in a man is his confidence. Women find this irresistable. Do you know what the #2 most attractive feature is? A sense of humor. I actually believe that these are the same thing - and can come from the same place.

You obviously have the second part down and now all you need to do is to focus on the first. Let me interrupt this chain of reasoning to bring you an important bulletin: women don't want "romantic men". They like romance, but that is a VERY different thing! Romantic men are seen just as weak as low-confidence men. They come off as trying too hard.

On the other hand, you take a guy that is confident, has a sense of humor, a sense of adventure and a sense of romance, and you have a complete package! I can hear the girls swooning right now!

Now, and important point about confidence: you never, ever get to "own" it - you only get to borrow it. The good news is that you can borrow it whenever you want to!

My books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" are all about these issues. I encourage you to pick up copies of them and study hard as they're going to give you a ton of information I can't go into in one or even 100 emails. However, I'll try to get you started on the right path.

First and foremost, you need some education (actually "re-education") about women. The mistaken belief that women want romatic men comes right from a media that doesn't have your best interests at heart. It has it's own objectives at heart: making money. These old beliefs still sell well, but they are not part of reality. You've got to completely discard this image and focus on reality.

The second thing you need to learn is that you can create confidence any time you want it - not just the image of it by the way! Here's an example: do you feel "confident" when you're around your friends, talking about something you know well? Of course you do! Do you feel "confident" when you're with family talking about school or work? Sure! That's because you bring this out of yourself - it's not external, it's internal.

You can learn to do this exact same thing when you're with women too. Then, add to that the humor factor, and you're 95% of the way there! Women will be able to see who you really are, not you trying to cover your lack of confidence.

Here's another important point: "Just Be Yourself" ("JBY") DOES NOT WORK. Go back and re-read that sentence a few times until it really sinks in.

No doubt you've heard this piece of advice from well-meaning friends and family members. Unfortunately, they say this because it's a great sound-byte, but in reality, it's totally wrong. If it were right, you'd have girls all over you because you've just been yourself for your entire life!

What you really want to be is your "best self" - the inner guy that is foundationally confident, humorous and that has a sense of romance. But, how to get to him?

Again, the answer is education! You need to see these things for what they are - a huge part of your inner being that is masked by your nervousness - not replaced by it. These elements are already there, you just have to learn how to draw them to the surface and fill up the gaps you'd usually fill with being nervous and thus, a clown.

The great thing about this is that once you learn to do this, you can still be the clown! You can still clown around when it works to your advantage (which it does often!) However, you need to bring the foundations forward first so that the clowning doesn't seem to override the more important things.

Jay, I've given you a bunch to think about here, but I hope you really see it as a new way to think and (more important) begin to act on it. Change you focus, change your attitude, become a student (not a follower however) and you're on the road to success with women - and in other parts of your life as well. Trust me, I see guys doing this every single day and you can do it too!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"