Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/10/2007

Question
I've been seeing a girl for three months. We had a connection that neither one felt before. We sepnt every moment we could together for 2 1/2 months. All of a sudden she is asked to testify against her scumbag ex. She finds out all of this horrible stuff about this guy. Stuff he was doing while they were living together. She tells me she realizes she went to fast with me and needs time to deal with what she's just discovered. She doesn't want me out of her life. She just wants some space while she tries to figure out how she let a scumbag this close to her. She also knows I cheated on my first wife so that was messing with her mind as well. I thought it was a great idea considering I'm just out of a divorce and have work to do also. She started by taking back her keys. Then we stopped hanging out as much. Then she witheld sex. Finally she stopped returning my calls until the end of the day. I hated it. I tried to hold onto her and that clearly made me less attractive. Finally, she told me one night she couldn't speak to me. She was having friends over and didn't want to be bothered with her phone. I couldn't believe the same girl who was just telling me she'd never had a connection like this before was now telling me she didn't want to speak to me. I went over and I thought she wasn't home (turns out she was in bed. I knocked on her windows and basically lost my head. I've never done anything like this before. Not even close. I'm just crazy in love with this girl. Anyway, I accused her of cheating on me for weeks. I called her a coward because I thought she wasn't doing any work on her own. I called her a liar. I told her I regretted hooking up with her. I told her to tear up the poetry i wrote her because it wasn't meant for her anymore. She told me I was crazy and need serious help. She told me she would not be controlled and that she was done with me. How much damage have I done? Is there something I can do to show this amazing girl that A) That is not even close to how I normally behave and B) Fix the damage I had done to my image not just last night but the weekends leading up to it?

Answer
Hello Sean!

Unfortunately, the damage began when you first met her. You and she went off on this world-wind romance and spent just about every waking hour together without even knowing each other. Sure this was a time to learn, but the weight of that education couldn't be support by the relationship itself. So, it started to crumble.

Let me guess here: you met her on-line didn't you? I say that with some confidence as I see this so often! What actually happened was that you and she created images in your mind that were based on your own needs, wants and dreams - not who the other really is. She was just the first to recognize this fact.

For more on how this works, go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the short video on "LDR's" under BAM TV. It'll explain it to you.

You've done an incredible amount of damage here and frankly, I think it's game-over. She sees you exactly as she sees her ex.

The only tool you have left is time. I suggest you leave her completely alone - no contact, calls, texts, emails, absolutely nothing for about 4-6 months. Honestly, the longer the better. After that time, you can contact her just to "check in" and see how things are going.

In the meantime, I suggest that you start considering what inside you drove you to this behavior. Regardless of whether or not it's "you", you still did it. I'd sure want to know why. If it's lack of tools in dealing with relationships, check out my website for a comprehensive list of them.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"