Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/29/2006

Question
Is it possible I've misinterpreted any of the signals I thought that I received? It's not like this is the first "date" I've ever been on. And I know for a fact I've gotten much farther along with women by responding to their actions more than their words.

When I explained to my buddies the events of the evening, most thought I was reading to much into what was happening rather than focusing on what she was saying. Don't get me wrong, I didn't miss a word she said. But the way she responded to me: what she was wearing, moving closer to me, allowing me to touch her, being seen with me in front of her friends; if those aren't signs of interest, I don't know what are.

Thanks again! Mike

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Followup To

Question -
Hi! Last weekend (a Sunday), I ran into a woman I went to grade school, junior high, and high school with. I never really spent much time with her then, but was always kind of attracted to her (especially in high school). This was the first time I've seen/talked to her since graduating high school (17 years ago). She's never been married and has no children; same as me. I'm 35 yrs (her maybe 34).

We chatted for 15-20 minutes, and I asked for her phone number before we parted ways. She gave it to me without hesitation and asked me to give her a call.

So I called her the following Tuesday and asked if she'd like to have dinner Thursday evening. Again, she agreed without hesitation.

The evening, in my opinion, went very well. I feel that I received more positive signs of interest than I could have hoped for.

She was dressed very well, with a rather revealing top on. Her hair and makeup were perfect. She made a comment about getting her hair done the day after she ran into me. I saw this as sign of interest, because if it wasn't important to her, she wouldn't have brought it up.

Anyway, conversation went well all through dinner. She seemed to be having a really good time. Shortly after dinner, she made a comment about how she's self-conscious about her looks/weight. I leaned in towards her and told her I always thought she looked good and that I've always had a "major crush on her". She just looked me in the eye, smiled, and leaned in towards me saying "Oh, yeah?" There was certainly a twinkle in her eye. There were quite a few more signs, mostly through body language than spoken language. Later in the evening she suggested going to a certain bar to meet up with some of her friends. I guess I see this as a sign of interest too. If she wasn't interested in me, or wasn't having a good time with me, would she really want to be seen with me in front of her friends? And it's not like she abandonded me to go with her friends. She introduced me to all of them and then either sat right next to me or directly in front of me on the other side of the table. There were also moments of casual touching, more from me than her though. She never pulled away, never flinched. In fact, when I did touch her, it drew her eyes to mine and she always smiled. I ended up taking her home later than I expected. But this was her choice. When we first got together that night, she said she had a long day planned for the next day and was hoping to get home at a decent time. As the evening progressed, it was her decision to stay out longer. When I dropped her off, she offered a "good night" kiss and a lengthy hug.

I called her back the saturday afternoon after we had gotten together for dinner. I wanted to see if she wanted to get together at the same park we met at a week ago. I got her voicemail, so I left a message with my request to meet. She returned the call a couple hours later (this time a message to my voicemail) and said "Yes", but to call her later to set something up because she's getting ready to go out of town on business on the upcoming Wednesday for two weeks. She had mentioned this business trip the Tuesday I called her to ask her out, so I already knew about it and it was the main reason I tried to get together with her the Sunday before she left.

I think she expected a call later that saturday evening. I was busy with other obligations that evening (family, not running around with my beer drinking buddies) and didn't want to call late on a saturday night. So I waited and called late Sunday morning thinking she'd be free to go about the same time as a week before (noon or so). She told me she needed to get things in order for her trip and couldn't make it the park any more that day. I said "No problem. Have a safe trip and get in touch when you're back in town." She replied, "I'm sure we'll talk again." (Now for the questions, sorry it took so long, but background info was needed I think).

I'm a week into her two week trip and I'd really like to talk to her again. Should I attempt to contact her before the two week period has ended? I never made another attempt to contact her before she left and she didn't contact me. I feel like I should just give her space and wait. I don't want to appear obsessive or that I feel the need to "check up" on her. We are far from being a couple. Receiving the signs of interest that I feel I did get (contrary to what my buddies think), it makes me want to pursue things further, but I don't want to move too fast either.

Is calling her before her trip is over (or right after it's over) indicating being over anxious? Or is NOT calling her sending a signal of being uninterested?

I just don't know enough about her (after 1 get together and a couple quick phone conversations) to know if she's the kind of woman that needs frequent attention from the man she's interested in, or if she needs more time and breathing space. I don't want to NOT call her for fear she'd lose interest, but I also don't want to interfere with her career/personal space. My gut feeling is to give her space and just be patient. Any advice on this matter would certainly help ease my mind and alleviate some anxiety. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

Mike in Toledo, OH

Answer -
Hello Mike!

I'd trust your gut here. If you call her now while she's away, you're going to look to agressive. You've both already agreed that you'd talk when she gets back and in fact, you both left it with HER calling YOU. That's important.

I see so many men making this mistake: they think that by always being there and dominating a woman's time, she won't have time to think of anyone else. Women don't interpret things this way. They see this constant attention as someone that is insecure and can't let go. That's a complete turn-off to women that actually want a strong, confident guy.

Wait a few weeks after her return. If you don't hear from her by that time (not likely), the call her to "check in" and see how her trip went. Don't call her before unless she calls you first.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

Answer
Hello again Mike!

Sure, it's absolutely possible. Women are experts at keeping their real feelings hidden from us guys. On the other hand, just the fact that she returns your voice mails, makes plans to meet and didn't go running for the hills when you told her that you had a crush on her are all huge signs of interest.

One example of a mis-read sign is in her taking you to meet her friends. Frankly, I'd never let a student of mine do that. A date is about you two for a very specific reason: you're trying to establish rapport, bonding and connection. You can't do that with her friends around and in effect, they act as a buffer between you two. This might very likely be "The Mini-Test" (from my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II") and if so, you failed it.

Something important to understand about the different types of Tests: you don't get to fail very many of them before she'll rush off to find some guy that knows how to pass them!

Also, too many guys make far too much of whether a girl is interested in them or not. Here's the fact: it doesn't matter whether she's interested - you can create that.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"