Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/5/2007

Question
Hey, theres a girl that I've liked since I started schools this year, but I just dont know how to start talking to her. I was planning to just go up to her in the cafeteria and say something like "How about going out this weekend ..." but now im not so sure that is a good idea. I'm not shy when it comes to something that I want and man, do I want her!!! I just dont know how to start a conversation. Can you help me out Doc?

P.S. I'm in 8th grade

Answer
Hello Lance!

You're right - that's a terrible idea. Don't do that, you'll just get a "no".

Here's why:

Have you ever seen an animal program? You'll notice that animals have all these complicated mating rituals, right? We humans have them too, but because we're complicated emotional creatures, our rituals are every MORE complicated than the animals. What you want to do is to just bypass all of that and go right for the date.

I appreciate your not being shy about this. That is an incredible leg up for you! I usually teach guys to use "context" to begin the approach. Context is simply what you have in common with your target at that particular instant in time at that particular place. For instance, you might have a class with this girl or you might have a mutual friend.

This is a good context because you can just walk up to her and say, "Hey there. What's your name?" She'll give it to you and likely ask for yours (that's just polite!) Then you can say, "What do you think about Ms. Anderson's class?" or whatever other context you have.

This begins the approach. During this time you can ask her "open-ended questions" to get her talking. There are many benefits to this that include learning her communication styles, developing rapport and connection and many other things, but that's far outside the scope of this question.

To learn more about open-ended questions, go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and click on "self help". There you'll find my FAQ's and you can read about this.

Finally, you want to cut things a little short. Don't try to carry the conversation on for 20 minutes. Intead, give her about 5 and say, "Well, I need to get going, but it was fun talking to you. Give me your phone number and I'll call you so we can hang out and do this again sometime. Here, write it down here." Then, hand her a pen and paper.

This is a sure-fire approach!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"