Expert: Aaron Beck - 9/27/2006

Question
Hey i started Hanging out with this girl about a week ago.  on the first night we hung out we drank and had an amazing time we talked for hours.  then evetually we hooked up, and we slep in the same bed the whole night.  it was one of the most amazing nights of my life.  the next day, we ended going to the movies and going out to eat at a fancy resturaunt.  then spending the night at her friends house till about two in the morning then i got my goodnight kiss and we both went home.  the next day she texted my fone asking me if i wanted to come over and make a cake with her i said yes deff.  when i got there we eneded up going out to the boardwalk and we hung out with her friend and her friends br.  that night me and her went to a hotel party that her and her fdriends were throwing for her Best friend.  the night was awesome we hooked up we were close and everything it was awesome i had such a great time and she told me she did too.  through all of this she told me her past relationships have been bad she has been mentally abused and all of that but they were still long like 3 years and so forth.  she just got out of one about 2 months ago.  i like this girl alot so i asked her out.  she replied i cant do this you are the most amazing guy i ever met the nicest guy i evere met and i said hey everyone has there own standars and she said thats jus it you met evry single one of my *standards*  thats how she wrote it.  i said then why cant we go out she said i dont know  she then called her self retaded and i said ur not retarded .  but she also wanted to stop hooking up with me which i dont know why and she said shes am not ready for anything and she said she dont think she can see herself with any guy right now.  i told her i would wait and she said please no.   i said y.  she said because it would be selfish and mean of her i said no it wouldnt because that would be me deciding.  i tried to ask her wat was going on the next day she asked if we could not talk about it.  she also had told my friend i  cant like her that much yet because we just met.  i havent eatin in three days and i am so upset i met this girl a week ago but she is everything i ever wanted in a girl beautiful smart funny knows how to have fun great sense of humor.  everything i do and say she is always laughing.  anytime we hung out she said she had a great time.  the next day after this happened we have a class together and after the class she waited for me to get out and i walked her to her car.  i was waiting for my ride so she waited for an hour with me we jus sat there and laughed i felt like nothing had changed between us itt was awesome.  i told her i was going somewhere that night to play cards with her friends  and she told me she was going out with her girlfriends i was like hey awesome.  about an half hour later she called me and told me i had to come play cards with her and her friends so she could beat me.  through the night she smiled at me everytime we made contact she would look at me and i would catch her in the corner of my eye and one time she was tapping  my foot with her foot.   she didnt really get close to me or anything else i guess cause it was too soon or she jus feels a little ackward.  but like yesterday she didnt im me on the computer and she didnt text me all day until i texted her.  whats the deal she said we can be really GREAT! friends and that its not me its her.  what should i do wat  is going on.  do i still have a chance do u think she still likes me i mean she still stares at me and laughs at evrything i say and do.  do you think i went to fast do i have a shot.. and if so how do i get close to her without hooking up and also at the same time staying out of the friend zone.  i want her in my life as my girlfriend she is amazing.  what are your thought on this should i keep trying or should i back off.  i want her in my life.  do you think she wants me two i dont know i also had one of her closest friends tell me she is not used to being treated right by a good guy.  all of her friends tell her i would be an awesome BF  thanks any feedback would be awesome


Answer
Lost,

I think you have to read her the “riot act” (as we used to say).  There is no question she’s playing you a bit and that’s OK -- even normal -- but you have to let her know where you stand.  

[Riot Act (partial definition):  These days, it’s just a figurative expression meaning to give an individual or a group a severe scolding or caution, or to announce that some unruly behavior must cease. But originally it was a deadly serious injunction to a rioting crowd to disperse.]

In other words you have to tell her to cut the crap and it could go something like this:

“Karen, you know I like you and I want to see you and I know that you have a lot of things going on in your life right now etc., etc., but this on-again, off-again BS has to stop.  I’m not going to put up with being jerked around.”

Don’t raise your voice, don’t be mean, don’t be angry, just tell her.  Some women get off on playing a guy and she might be one of them.  They aren’t mean or bitches, it’s just part of their genes to test a man.  Let me ask you a question, do you think her old BF (the one that mentally abused her) would have put up with this crap?  Absolutely not.  Be very careful her, I’m not suggesting that women are attracted to jerks (as is so often suggested) but they are attracted to leadership.  With you, she can have the best of both worlds, she can have the guy who won’t put up with her BS and yet does not mentally abuse her but ... only if she cuts the crap.

You may not like my suggestion and you’re probably thinking, “I don’t want to upset her etc.” or “If I say that, I might lose her” but I have seen this a 1000 times and if you’re to have a chance with this girl, you have to show her -- right now -- who’s boss.  It is your best chance.  No question.

If after you tell her where you stand and she chooses to leave, you didn’t have a chance anyway.