Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/4/2007

Question
Interesting -- I read the article, and the introduction actually had me in tears because I felt like I could have written at least the first few paragraphs.  This seems like good advice (a sort of aversion therapy).  I just printed it out and am going to try it.  

Thank you for providing something besides the same pat answers I'm used to!!!!!
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
OK, I don't know that this is the right category, but I couldn't find one that seemed right, so I'll ask the question here.  Bear with me, as a tend to get a bit long-winded.  

OK, here goes.  I feel like a high school kid writing with this problem, which makes it even more pathetic -- I am a divorced, 32-year-old professional, and I'm still dealing with this kind of thing.  A couple of years ago, I went back to school to change careers.  While there, naturally, I met a lot of people, but I wasn't looking for a relationship -- most of these girls were 10 years younger than me, after all.  But then I met one girl who "cast a spell" on me that I had never experienced before.  We started talking quite a bit, often until 2 or 3 in the morning, about anything and everything, and just by being around her, I felt like a different, better person.  I found that everything I ran into made me think of her in some way, shape, or form.  Eventually, I admitted to myself that I was attracted to her in a big way -- more than I had experienced before, even with my ex-wife when we were dating.  It was hard to ask her out, her being significantly younger than me, but I finally mustered up the courage.  She shot me down.  OK, story ends, right? No.
I still wasn't over it, and she gave me some subtle (and some not-so-subtle) indications that she was considering it.  But whenever I brought any date-like idea up, she shot me down.  Eventually, she transferred to another school in another state, and a year later, I got a job in yet another state.  We kept in touch via email, as friends (I've called a couple of times, but while she will return emails, she won't return calls), and whenever I've suggested we get together and hang out at times when we're both visiting family (holidays, this past summer, etc.), she simply doesn't respond -- she doesn't say yes or no, but just acts as if she never got that part of the message.

So obviously she's not interested.  But my damned heart won't get the idea.  I still think of her constantly.  I've tried all of the obvious things I can think of.  Got rid of anything that I could that would make me think of her, but then other things I couldn't avoid would bring her to mind.  I have dated other women, but throughout the dates, she keeps entering my mind.  

I'm at a loss.  It has been a year-and-a-half since she moved away (and thus, since I last saw her in person).  But no matter what I do, she's on my mind.  When I think she's gone from my mind, I have a vivid dream that brings her back (I just had one of those last night, which prompted me to write this).  

How can I get over this before it drives me truly crazy, if I'm not already?!?!?

Thank you in advance!
-----Answer-----
Hello Rob!

First off, don't be hard on yourself about all of this. Women are experts at this game and we guys have almost no resources whatsoever to learn it. I'm one of the very few teachers for men whereas women have tons of resources from books to TV to magazines to movies. In fact, almost everything geared toward women teach them different aspects of this game. It's us guys that are at a loss.

When a woman gives you neither a "yes" or "no" the answer is always "no" - she's just too much of a coward to tell you this. In fact, many women will say "maybe". That's also ALWAYS a "no"! The only "yes" you ever get from women is specifically, "yes".

I have a very effective tool for you called the "reframe". I'll give it to you in a moment, but it's important to first understand why this keeps happening to you.

In effect, it's not that you're not "ready" you're just using a from of this same tool to prevent you from being ready! It's not the girl you fear losing, it's the LOSS ITSELF! You don't want to imagine yourself as a loser, so you prevent that by "holding on to her" in your mind.

There's a ton of psychology that goes along with this that isn't important. Just realize that losing something (or someone) doesn't make you a loser. You're not a "loser" when you lose your keys any more than you're a loser when you can't make the connection with some woman. Let go of that image right now.

Ok, let's get into the tool to let this go: http://www.beingaman.com/articleviewer.asp?ID=434

This is a great technique sent to me from one of my readers. Study it, apply it, and you'll have your answer. Trust me, it's fucking awesome!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"  

Answer
Hey Rob!

Oh, sorry about that - if you were expecting a "pat answer", I failed you!

How about this:

Just give it time, be yourself and everything will work out fine.

Better??

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"