Expert: Aaron Beck - 8/6/2007

Question
Dear Aaron,
I am nearly 19 years old and I never had a relationship before. I was always interested in other things like my school and my computer, but I am going to the gym and I actually have a 6-pack etc. I don't know if I am pretty enough since I rarely hear girl comments about my appearance . However, when I am next to a pretty girl that I like I lose my confidence and no words come out of my mouth. And believe me I try very hard, but its pointless. When I am with my friends (who are girls and boys) I am the only man that makes them laugh and have actually fun. I was never a guy that was drinking and smoking just to make the girls pay some attention to him. Instead of that, I was a guy closed to himself most of the time. Although, that doesn't mean that I can't talk for my self and to be honest I am quite "dynamic". I rarely go to bars and things like that to meet girls, since the most of them go to places like that. Usually I don't have common interests with them, because not many girls use computers these days.

So my question is:
A) How can I make a girl I love/like to pay some attention to me and be seen in the crowd?
B)Any ways of fixing my "talk" problem?  

Answer
Stan,

I don’t think your confidence is low, rather I think what you are experiencing is completely normal.  I get letters just like yours everyday.

Even when I read your description if yourself, I don’t get that you lack confidence.  You describe yourself as dynamic and you say that you are the only one that make the girls laugh and have fun, etc.  Further, you don’t drink (which a lot of guys your age do in order to mask self-esteem issues), I mention this because you are making choices for yourself like not drinking and not going to bars and concentrating on your studies.  I mention all these things because they show me a guy who does not lack self confidence but is just a little shy around women WHICH IS NORMAL.  

Still though, you’d like to change that because you want a girlfriend or at least to feel more comfortable around women.  You say that you have really tried to overcome this but can’t so you are going to have to have to ease yourself into this thing gradually.  Nothing succeeds like success so we have to get some success under your belt.

What’s happening to you is that you aren’t giving the girls a chance to be interested in you.  If you think you’re shy think about the poor women?  They have to literally sit there and wait until some guy asks them out or shows some interest.  Do you know what women find the most attractive in a man?  It’s not six-pack abs or good-looks or money etc,. what they find the most interesting is that he is interested in her!  Now I realize that is why you wrote; you’re having difficulty getting that point across, right?   So why aren’t you showing interest?  Well you’re not doing it because you aren’t taking any risks, you aren’t approaching any women.  It’s that simple and you know it.  and the reason you aren’t approaching women is that you are afraid of rejection and you interpret being afraid of rejection as a sign of low confidence.  Wrong.  I’ve already told you that it’s completely natural.  Men are afraid to make the leap unless they are assured of a soft place to land and that’s where you are right now.  The only solution is to make that leap!

The way to do it is so that you can be reasonably sure of a safe landing.  I recommend that you somehow arrange a setting where you can go out as a group of four (two girls and two guys), I think if you ask your friends, somehow you can work that out.  If you can’t then I recommend that you yourself throw a small party and invite say 6-8 people and these should be couples including one girl for you and here’s how you do it.  pick out a girl that you are reasonably comfortable with and ask her this

Karen, I’m having some friends over on Saturday for a cook-out and I’d really like you to come? (pause momentarily but don’t let her answer yet)  It starts at 4 p.m., think you can make it?”  Now don’t say another word until she answers.  If she says yes (she will if you have chosen her correctly), then organize the outing and have the party.  You don’t have to refer to her as your date or girlfriend or anything else, she’s just a party guest but she’ll know that you are interested so don’t try and hide it.  the beauty is once she is sure you are interested, she’ll start helping the situation along.  Promise.

The reason this works s because you are choosing the venue, and you will be comfortable in your own surroundings.  Plus you will be the host and will have duties to perform so you won’t be stuck in uncomfortable situations with the girl not knowing wheat to say.  Also, ask her to help you with certain chores, “Karen, will you get me the hamburger buns?”, it will make her feel needed and she’ll love it.

OK, two things.  When you ask he rout, you have to use the exact words I gave you.  Don’t try and wing it or ad lib right there on the spot, just say the words!  And don’t pick the best looking girl in school, pick a mature, attractive, girl.  I’m going to have to leave that part up to you because I don’t know your situation but you know what I mean.

Stan, that’s all I’m going to write for now.  If you don’t like what I’ve said, write back and tell me some more about your situation (i.e. tell me why my suggestion won’t work) otherwise try it and let me know.

Aaron