Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/17/2007

Question
QUESTION: I am 18 and in high school. I had a girlfriend of the same age then she broke up with me. This happened six months ago. We dated for over a year and a half. We were deeply in love. Everything was perfect but I took her for granted. That was my downfall. I still love her after six months.
When she first broke up with me I was desperate. I begged and begged. Big Mistake! About two weeks later I broke off communication. Five months later she texts me. She said "Happy Easter." We started texting back and forth. Two days later I decided to drop off the stuff she had left here when we were dating. I went to her house and we talked for about two hours. I was getting mixed signals from her. Here's what I know: She has a boyfriend but she is not happy with him. She misses me and my family. She wants to be friends. She sometimes "wishes she didn't break up with me." She is going to break up with him after prom. She wants to be single for awhile. When we were dating she was happy with me. She loves being single.
Things got ugly from here on... I broke down. I said that "after six months I still love her. I don't have feelings for my current girlfriend (which was all true)." I told her I could make her happy again; fix it all. She said "if we were single I'd say yes" and "maybe when I'm single, but I want to be single for a couple months first."
Well three days later I broke up with my girlfriend. She was driving me insane. She still loves and misses me but has a new date to prom. I ended up asking my ex whom I still love to prom at my school (she goes to a different school and her prom is in two weeks, mine in a month). She said yes. We agreed it's just as friends.
Even though I said this it is not all that true. I intend to do whatever I need to in order to get her back as my girlfriend. I would do anything. Give anything. Prom is in a month. Should I take her to an nice, expensive restaurant? Should I rent a limo? What can I do?

I know we're perfect for each other and I've got to make this work. No matter what I'm gonna get this to work. I just need her to say yes to go out with me and the rest I can handle.

I need all the help I can get.
ANSWER: Hello Steve!

Hey I have an idea, why don't you just write her a check and cut out all the middle men instead???

No Steve, what you're trying to do is to buy her affection. This doesn't work. She's not going to feel any more obligated to you after you spend a fortune than she does right now. Spending is just going to leave you broke. That's not what a girl wants. She wants the emotional side of things.

Let's make this clear too - you DO NOT want to be her "friend" at all! If you settle for this minor position, that's all you'll ever be with her from here on in. Do yourself a huge favor and go read my FAQ's at my website here: http://beingaman.com. This will give you a much better idea of what I'm talking about.

Instead, you need to go back and think about what was unique and special about your relationship when you were together. What made you both happy about it. That's what you need to focus on.

I'd also suggest you start treating her like a girlfriend - not a friend! That means you need to hold her hand, but romantic and kiss her - all the things that boyfriends do with girlfriends. Don't rush to give this a name (like "relationship") - especially if she thinks she wants to be single. Just be the couple you were. She'll define things for you soon enough.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey, sorry to be a nuisance but what do you mean "She'll define things soon enough."
Be honest with me here doc; do I even have a shot?

Answer
Hey Steve!

In other words, if you try to call whatever it is that you have now a "relationship"; thinking that will make it one, will work against you. She's going to fight the notion. However, if you simply ACT like you're in a relationship - do all the things you did before, she's going to get pretty comfortable with it pretty quick. Then, before you know it, SHE will give it a name ("relationship"); thus "defining it".

As to having a shot, I can't really say. Chances aren't that good. They certainly aren't as good as starting a new relationship with someone else. That's more work up front in finding a new girlfriend, but it's far easier to turn it into something you want.

Keep in mind that something(s) broke you two up in the first place. One of your goals (if you decide you have to get back together with her) should be to work out these problems as soon as you can or you're going to be right back at the break-up again if you DO get together.

Frankly, you're a young guy and have a ton of experiences ahead of you. If I were you, I'd be looking for someone new. Every new girl you're with (and you're going to be with a bunch of them) is a new chance to grow and experience different things. Embrace the things of the past because they are vauable experiences, but always be looking for new ones. They are what cause you to grow.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"