Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/11/2007

Question
If someone has broken up with you in the past for whatever circumstance, and that someone treated you exceptionally well while you were together, would you take them back and get back together with them? It was sort of a shock when the breakup occurred. If you are to get back together, what are some conditions that must be placed upon the relationship? Such as, would you say, I'll get back together with you, but the next time you break up with me, it will be the last time. I am not sure if threats are the best way to get back into something, and although it is very hard to go back to things the way they were previously, several couples have succeeded and have gotten married. What's the secret of a successful romantic reunion?

Answer
Hello Ana!

I guess your answer is simply this: what do you want, a business deal or a relationship? In this case, they are mutually exclusive.

When you put conditions and ultimatums on a relationship, you reduce it to something far less than I believe you want. Threatening someone isn't going to get you what you want unless you want these threats to be the foundation of getting back together. Do you see how this works?

They key to all of this is simply to review why you broke up in the first place. Sure, getting back together is all goosebumps and butterflies, but you have to look at things more objectively. What caused the break up in the first place and is that something you can work through as a team and move forward?

If you can, then get to work on solving the problem and agree that if it comes up again, you'll both go to work on it again to fix it.

Ana, couples in a relationship continue to invest in problem solving as a team. This is what it means to "work on your relationship" and most people miss this point. If you're going to be together, you have to be willing to work through the hard times as well as enjoy the good ones.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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