Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/12/2007

Question
QUESTION: When I was a sophomore in high school, me and this girl had 2 classes together. She is really smart, and I have problems with one of the classes that we were in together. She helped me daily and it really helped my grade. I fell in love with her, but I never told her or anyone else. I got into a long lasting relationship with another girl, while all the time loving the other girl. Finally when it was my last chance to tell her that I liked her, I maned up and did it. She told me that she has liked me ever since then too. I broke up with the girl that I was with for 2 years and started dating the other one(for arguments sake, lets call the girl that I'm in love with K) K and I have been dating for about 2 months, and I finally grew a set and kinda hinted around the subject of love. I asked her what her reaction would be and she told me that it would be blank. So I never actually told her I loved her, but she got the hint. As of right now, I feel sick to my stomach that I'm going to scare her off. And I feel like a complete ass. Oh yea, I forgot to tell you, she has never had a boyfriend before. I really want this one to be the one, but I know/hate the fact that it's not going to last. I'm just wondering what I should do, because I will not break up with her, and she doesn't like talking about that kind of stuff. When is the appropriate time to actually tell her that I'm head over heals in love with her, and that I want this one to last forever?

ANSWER: Hello Charlie!

Let's start with a dose of reality here first. This is a very "young" relationship, and the fact is, it's not likely to last forever. Yes, I know that you're already saying to yourself that I'm full of it, and you and she are going to beat the odds, but in fact, they are so stacked against you that I doubt you will. Time will tell.

Here's why I'm telling you this: if you are trying to convince yourself and her that this is "forever", you're going to be making dumb moves all over the place to try to make it that way. Then, it's all going to blow up out of bad move after bad move.

Instead, take your relationship day by day and enjoy it for everything that it's worth. Don't focus on what you'll have tomorrow, concentrate on what you have today or you'll totally miss it.

I also urge you to not be in a big rush to tell her how you feel. Frankly, that's HER job! If you're going to be the girl in this relationship that makes her have to be the man - and she's not going to be happy about it.

Your job is to set the direction for the relationship and to simply take it there. Her job is to do the emotional things and give it wings.

That doesn't mean you can do nothing either however. Consider that all relationships are a combination of all of our senses. You want to tell her, which leads me to believe you're mostly a "words guy". That's perfectly fine, but don't neglect showing her and touching her  (physically and emotionally) too.

You'll find all sorts of little things you can do (far better than trying to do one or two big things by the way.) For instance, just write a little note and put it in her purse when she's not looking for her to find later - nothing big, just say "Thinking of you" on it.

If you have to go to the store, just get a little treat for her because you know she likes it - but make it SMALL! If you don't you come of as far too big, abrupt and coarse.

If you get nothing else out of this discussion get this: doing small things to show you care over time (like once every 2 weeks or so) means far, far more to a woman than doing something huge. Sure, they like huge things, but that soon fades, and then what do you do? Doing a bunch of little things keeps that high going "forever".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: First off, I would like to thank you for answering my question to the best of your knowledge. It helps me alot, but it still keeps me wondering; when is the appropriate time to tell her I love her? She the kind of girl that would wait for me to say it first. She's not going to come out of the blue and say, "I love you". Another thing...I've been in this weird mood lately. I get really depressed as soon as I wake up. I don't know if you can help me out with that one, but I was just wondering if it has to do with K. Thanks again.

Answer
Hello again Charlie!

You're very welcome.

The right time to tell you that you love her is when she says it to you first.

Regarding your depression, I'm afraid I can't do much for you that would help other than to say that everyone goes through good and bad days. If you can't pinpoint some specific reason for feeling down, just chalk it up to a cycle thing and go out and get some exercise. You'll feel better.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"