Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/27/2007

Question
Im sure you sir can give me an advice few if any people can.

I have been with this girl for 8 and a half months now... We have been together 2 years ago but only for like a month or so. We are both 17 years old now.

Anyhow to shorten the story... We had a wonderful relationship, it was as tho nothing could go wrong. We talked about everything, we talked about every single problem that came and solved it. We were happy together, calling ourself everyday, hanging out as much as we could (couple of times a week). She was always telling me that if we ever break up it wont be her who will break up with me... He was always telling me how nobody cared about her like i do.

Anyhow, there was a little problem that i didnt pay much attention to. She was telling me from time to time that im giving her everything on a silver platter and that she doesnt have to do anything and that its getting kinda boring for her.

So yesterday she called me and said we have to talk. We went out, talked about our day for a min and all of a sudden she started crying. I knew that she will ask for a break and i was so confused that i couldnt think.

She told me she needs some space, freedom and wants to hang out with her friends. She kept telling me how she is confused and doesnt know what she wants, and how she will probably regret the decision within a week. She told me that altho she still loves me and likes me, she isnt feeling the pleasure of being with me as she felt before. And she also told me that it all started a month and a half ago... I didnt notice a difference honestly, and i didnt expect that something like this could happen all of a sudden.

I would appreciate your advice and thoughts on this but ill add 1 more thing... And i dont blame her or hate her for what she did, i understand her cause of this reason...
She is a synchronized swimmer and she has training 2 times a day, every day of the week. A week ago she won 2 gold medals on the state championship. So basically, she was spending all her free time with me. She rarely went out with her friends. I did have time to go out with mine. I would go out with mine pretty often yet she would go out with her friends once a month.

What hurts me a lot is the fact that she will have a break from her training over summer... And we were both looking forward to it, spending more time together and her having more free time. But now it seems its just not gonna happen.

She also told me that time will tell when we will get back together and that she will call me...

So i ask you... What are the chances of us actually being together again and what should i do in this situations... Should i continue telling her how i like her and miss her, write her mails, give her flowers or something...?


*Added 3 days after*
3 days have passed since I wrote the upper message… In the past 3 days I had about 4 hours of sleep in total… I spent most of my time crying. I called her a couple of times and we talked… I was crying most of the time and telling her how much I miss her and how she means the world to me. She wasnt pleased with me calling her and she would tell me how I am making it harder for both of us. She gave me advices what to do and stuff.

Anyhow, I am aware now that I was just making things a lot worse and pushing her away even more. So today I told myself I will not call her or anything for at least a month. My emotional state is much better now and I know ill be able to do it.

2 years ago we were together and I broke up with her cause I needed some space. While we weren’t together we would send each other text messages, go out (like once every few months), etc. When we would meet by accident we would spend the time together, talking, kissing and whatnot. I played a lot of mind games with her during that time. I would show her that I like her then ignore her. And I was aware that its working. Altho I wanted to be with her and didn’t want her to suffer I was too scared to call her cause I was in fear of being rejected even tho I knew she wouldn’t reject me.

Now I found myself in almost the same situations as she was. And that’s the only thing giving me hope that we might get back together some day. Im not sure if she will play games with me or now, and if she did I wouldn’t be mad since I was a bastard myself.

Its not like I played serious games with her, it was not intended and it was fully random. My fear had a lot to do with it.

So what im hoping to do now is… Fully recover, stop thinking of her so much. And then I believe I will be able to start making my moves. I know her well enough and I know she will get in touch with me after a few weeks. What am afraid of is how will I act to it. If the chance comes I really don’t want to miss it.

I don’t plan to start hitting on her after the first time she gives me a call or something. What I wonder is what to do… Should I just forget about her, leave her be and move on?

Im not that kind of a person thou… As long as there is a chance I do not give up. Im always like that. Im insanely optimistic and I believe that by having will, love and passion and not giving up, even the imposible can be done.

I am wondering if I should give playing games a shot… Since I know from her past and my experience that she falls for it. Should I show her that I still think of her and that I like her, then ignore her for a week or 2 or even more. And keep doing that for a few times?

I forgot to add that I don’t want to hurt her and im prepared to do anything  to get her back. I also have all the time in the world. Not that I will wait for her like she is the only girl on this planet but I will not give up on her easy.

I would also like an advice on what I shouldn’t do.

Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it.  

Answer
Hello Luka!

Here's what you shouldn't do - just about everything you've done so far! Worse yet, you haven't done what you really should have done.

Crying, begging, pleading and getting all worked up isn't going to fix this problem, so take a deep breath and RELAX! You're not in bad shape - yet, but if you continue to hound this girl, she's never going to start feeling like she misses you. How can she? You're all over her!

Yes, you need to give her a break here - and go find yourself something to do! What you're doing right now is waiting by the phone for her to call. That's pretty pathetic, don't you think? Go get yourself a hobby and go start rebuilding your friendships. Right now, you need these guys in your life more than ever. However, if you've ignored your friends and they've left you out of neglect, you'll have learned a valuable lesson - your friends are ultimately more important that even the women you date. If you take care of them (as you always should), they'll be there for you when you need them. If not, they won't.

Your girlfriend is looking for that magic - that spark - you had when you first got together. If you're always right there by phone, text and in person, she never gets the chance to miss you which is exactly what creates that spark in the first place.

Hopefully after a while, she'll start feeling that loss in her life and (as you said) will contact you again. That's when you and she need to reconsider your relationship.

Many people are terrified of "downsizing" their relationship out of fear that this is one step toward ending it. Nothing could be further from the truth! If you spend all your free time together you never have the chance to build your individual lives and things just wither. THAT is one step away from ending it (as you've found.)

Thus, you need to agree that you're going to spend time with your friends each week, working on your school work, your goals, etc., and THEN find time to be together. Don't text or call every day! Give yourself some space when you get back together and you'll find that the time you spend together is much, much more valuable and exciting.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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