Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/5/2007

Question
Hello, I have dated this girl 15 yrs ago. We really have a great chemestry together that is hard to find. Well eventually I thought she was cheating on me and there were other complications. We were young she was my first girlfriend back then. Well after we had split up about 4 yrs later we ran into each other again had our fling and just for some reason we both went our seperate ways. Now she has contacted me on myspace 15 yrs later. She was sooo excited to hear from me. We would talk on the phone for hours and be on the computer all hours of the night. She didnt care if she got little sleep just because she spent time with me. She made it clear from the beginning that she isnt looking for a relationship just friendship. Said she would like friendship with benefits with me. We both told one another back then that we both wanted to marry each other but never said anything. SHe still wishes we were married and had my kids. She ended up back then getting together with a guy got pregnant and now has 2 boys from the same father who beat her and treated her poorly. They divorced and sadly years later he ended his life. Around this time her cousin died in a car accident, and her ex husband and her got a divorce because he was doing drugs and beat her too. SHe finally dated this guy before she moved back here and she ended it with him because he was beating her too. I told her wow you been through a lot and told her I understand that you just want to be friends. I was afraid to sleep with her again because I was afraid that my feelings would run deep and get more involved that I should have let it. Back then I took her to a broadway musical and that was the last time shes ever been to one. So to recap the past we went back to see another broadway show recently. Held hands put my arm around her etc. SHe had the time of her life. We are currently set to see another one soon. Now She knows that I am in a chair due to arthritis. She offered to help me with therapy to spend time with me and also to help me. She is is awesome shes sweet, kind, loving, caring, has all the great qualities. SHe said before when we first talked she was falling inlove with me all over again. I spent the night once when her kids were away for the weekend. SInce she doesnt think right now its good for them to see her with another guy. Its too much for them and herself. She is a student trying to finish her degree in nursing. SHe told me shes running thin. Her schedule is Work on certain days, School 1 day a week and clinicals on another day, tries to fit me in for therapy which I told her if its too much dont worry about it. She insists on helping me. Well she now has a roomate and shes also going through a bad divorce. I remember not too long ago my ex told me she said she dont think she could ever go through this again. I didnt question anything I left it alone.
I am awesome with her kids they adore me and she loves that. She knows im kind, patient, loving, caring. I did tell her how I felt. Maybe that pushed her away. But since this woman moved in with her shes been distant with me. She doesnt call or get online like she used to because she says her kids are on it and her roomate is. She doesnt even call much I call her. We get along GREAT! But shes got a lot on her plate. She doesnt know how to take time out for herself. Her kids now come when she does therapy where they didnt before. Its like shes avoiding that kiss we would do when her kids werent around. She does give me hugs tho. I think shes confused and afraid. I also recently helped her pay her rent which I loaned her $400.. Shes not a user at all, but I offered and she argued but then had to take it. Because I am too nice I guess.. ANyways How can I win this womans hear to really see I am the one for her? I have been told give her time, give her space and let her call you. It is Soooooo Hard to do when shes all I think of.I feel that my disability is keeping her away seems most women dont want a guy in a chair. SHe knows I can get up walking again if I get therapy. But what do I do to have a shot with her? To really drive her nuts and wild like before and get her to call me and come for me. She said everytime I touch her I give her goosebumps. But lately she just seems distant. I cant stay the night because =there is no place for me to sleep. No couch recliner all beds are taken since the roomie moved in. She will not let me sleep in my chair. But you figure if someone says they love you that much they would have you over more even if it wasnt to stay the night. What do I do? I have it bad for her! But I been trying to play it cool...what next?


Answer
Hello Doug!

There's a little rule I teach my students. When a woman you're with starts pulling back emotionally, it's time to pull back even further.

This is something of a chess match and frankly, not all relationships can survive it. It appears that the greatest thing you have going for you is history. That's a compelling reason for her to keep it together.

As hard as it may be, I suggest you avoid calling her for a couple of weeks. In fact, during that time I suggest you get yourself out and hang with friends or find some fun, interesting things to do with yourself. The point of this is to NOT be sitting at home pining and waiting for her to call or see you on the computer. She has to have something to work for. If you're always around and always available, she doesn't get the chance to miss you.

If you don't hear from her in a couple of weeks, give her a call just to "check in". Keep it short however! Don't try to hold a date on the phone! This works against you. Be your normal, jovial self but set up a date with her - and without the kids. Then, don't contact her again until the date.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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