Expert: PracticalHappiness.com - 12/27/2006

Question
Mr. Itkin,

  I want to thank you for your kind response, and I think your advice was right on. I think all you need is a little more information and you can be almost perfect. I don’t know if you read Mr. Neder’s advice to me , but he attacked my faith, particularly my decision to abstain from sex. He had the audacity to tell me I was wrong to do it. When I called him on it, he responded with a foul mouthed barrage of insults. This man could be truly dangerous to the wrong person who is feeling desperate. Is there some way I can complain about him to allexperts?
  At any rate, I still need your advice. Please understand my friend and me are actually very close in many ways. Our main problem is spending time together alone. We don’t see each other often during the week, so most our time together is with our kids after church on Sundays.  I only have my daughter on weekends, but her son is always around. She lives with her parents, but they are elderly and her son is very rambunctious. Hiring a babysitter may be perceived as an insult by them. I don’t want you to think I have “showered” her with gifts. In the 9 months we have gone out I have sent flowers to her home 2 or 3 times, brought her flowers a couple of times, and I send her an occasional e-card, and an mail her a card occasionally. I did buy her a $100 watch for her birthday last July.  I don’t think I have been overbearing in telling her I really like her, I just want her to know I want to be more than just friends. As far as my financial instability, I recently left a job of 3 ½ years to take a commissioned sales job. I have not done as well as I had hoped, but that should turn around very soon. Mr. Itkin, I honestly believe she is watching me. At our age ands stations in life we must be very careful about whom we are with. We both hope to get married again someday and I think she wants to make sure I am a suitable mate. As we both know, security is very important to women. I will tell you I tried to kiss her last summer and she turned her head at the last second. We do kiss on the cheek occasionally. I do put my hand on the small of her back when we walk and sometimes around her. I feel like maybe I should ask her how she feels about me, or even (subtly) try to kiss her again. We are supposed to go out on my birthday this Thursday and I hope we can be alone. My main questions are should I ask her how she feels? If we can’t be alone this week, should I try to get her to hire a babysitter? I guess I’m trying to convey that I am getting mixed signals, and because I was out of the dating game for many years, I have been overly cautious. I think it is important to know that we have some mutual friends from church. There is a man that is dating a woman that very clearly wants a relationship with him. He tells me that they do go out, but he has made it clear that he just wants to be friends. My lady friend told me she thinks he is leading the other lady on. I tell you this because I have tried to be clear to my friend that I am very fond of her. She has not discouraged me in any way, just hasn’t encouraged me a great deal either. She did tell me one time that she was a shy child and still is somewhat shy. I know this is a lot of information, and I really do appreciate you help. I did rate you very well and nominated you for volunteer of the month.

Thanks,

Steve P.


Answer
Hey, Steve. Thanks for following up and for your kind words.  
I read the answer of Dr. Neder and frankly was appauled but not by what he said but rather how he said it. Certainly, you expect a higher degree of respect and self-respect from a person who is about twice my age and who holds a doctor degree.   

You know it's funny - when I read his answer, I appreciate the substance of his harsh advise but the fact that he disregards your religion and philosophy of life makes his advise absolete. I am not a Christian and I haven't been waiting for to marry to have sex, but I do appreciate the value and the reasons behind your lifestyle and would never dare to ask you to change it, especially at this point in your life. It's neither in my power or authority to do that.

I am not sure how you can complain about him, since we are all independent here and work remotely for this service, but I am sure there is a way.

To your question -  

From my experience, being rejected while trying to kiss a woman is even more awkward and more hurtful than being turned down later, in bed.   

I believe that you have all the rights to not wonder any longer and have clear answers! And that's exactly why you should address it with the lady - not in a confrontantional way and not in a supplicating "whiny" way like some guys do in such situations, but in a friendly yet firm way.    

Find the time to talk to her and turn the guns on her in a subtle manner. "Hey, I want to ask you something. I want to know how you feel about me because I am pretty sure that you know how I feel about you and I would hate to wonder about where we stand any longer..."  - as simple as that!  

Perhaps before you do that, you find the appropriate moment, and time in a conversation and try to kiss her again.. and if she turns you down again, that would be the perfect time to ask her the above question and make her feel a bit guilty about the whole thing.

Do it, and let me know how it goes.

Arkady Itkin
www.PracticalHappiness.com