Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/5/2007

Question
hi how r u

i was with my ex for 5 years, we were engaged and because of argumentative differences we broke up. then he started seeing another girl whom he is with right now, but i love him still and i want to know how to win his heart back. i know he still love me and he doesnt love this new girl alot. i am 21 and he's 29 and he's worried that if he doesnt stay with this girl he'll get old and no one to marry. i want my ex back becaus ei love him and every day with him was a joy. the days spent with him was like heaven on earth. it's just that we got into alot of arguments and that's why we broke up. our family didnt want us to be together but we over came that. i disresepcted my family wishes to be with him and then at the end we broke up. please i need your advise on how to get him back



---seema

Answer
Hello Seema!

The first thing you need to do is to be clear on what you broke up over. A simple argument is rarely the reason for a break-up. There were likely much more deep-seated reasons for it all that made him feel that he had to move on. You may even need to talk to him about this to get the full story.

Once you determine this, you need to examine what role you had in all of this. For instance, if he just needed different things from your relatonship, why couldn't you be those other things for him? On the other hand, if you and he have different needs, wants, desires, directions, etc., what role did you play in making this an issue, etc.

Next, you need to determine if you either can or want to make those changes in yourself. If not, then this wasn't the guy for you and you need to move on to find someone that's a better fit.

If you believe these are things that you can change or grow; then you should map out a plan of how you'll go about doing this. Even more important, you need to have a way to know when you've actually done this! What signs will there be to prove that you've arrived?

Next, get to work on these things. Some things you can change easily and quickly. Others may take some time, but even being willing to make these changes goes a long way.

Finally, go to him with the plan. Explain that you want to give it another shot and tell him how you plan to make these changes and what he's likely to see because of them. Then talk to him about how to make it all work and how to get started.

You should also plan to tell him what changes you'd like to see in him too! This is completely reasonable as we're talking about growing a relationship here to something that better fits you both. That means you both should contribute.

Ultimately, if he either doesn't believe you or doesn't want to work on this relationship, you may not have any other option but to move on. On the other hand, this is your surest best to rebuild it if he's open to the idea.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"