Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/2/2007

Question
Hi again,

Thank you for your advice.  2 days after you worte to me.  my girlfriend and I disagreed on an action that I took.  its a very long story however, to cut it short I made a move that she thought was extremely stupid and irresponsible. I disagree however, we just stopped talking.  although I think that what I did was right I still said I'm sorry and asked her to forgive me.  she wouldn't, and said we needed space for 2 or 3 months.  for a week I didn't contact her at all.  when she discovered I was with a female friend running an erand she came back to contact me to find out who the girl was. I didn't answer any of her calls or text messages at first but when she kept insisting. I told her it was just a friend.  However just as I was trying to move on emotionally and psychologically she came back into my life.  She tells me that she's still so mad at me and doesn't want to see me, but that she misses me and loves me. when I asked her what she wants from me exactly she says that she doesn't know. for the past day and a half she's been partying with some friends and getting together with guys I don't know.  she told me that next week she wants to go to another party wearing a dress that I bought her, but I always thought was way too revealing. She says she doesn't want me with her there.  she didn't contact me at all for the past day and a half and she has her mobile switched off.  she's playing mind games.  Its been killing me.  what does she want?? does she still want me?? shall I just change my phone number and move on?



  
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
I've been with my girl for a year and a half.  We love each other.  Our realtionship started out really nice.  we use to go out to parties and everywhere together.  However I didn't drink cause it made me uncomfortable and she use to feel bad drinking infront of me.  So She quit drinking.  She told me it wasn't important but then she quit going to parties all together.  same with other activities that we use to do together for fun.  recently I found out that she has been going out to parties and other activities without me all along.  when I asked her why she never told me she said cause I don't know how to have fun,  and that I'm not her style in parties and fun.  She still loves me, calls me and sees me, but when it comes to parties and fun she would rather go out with other friends.  She doesn't want to go with me at all.  I kinda figured out that I was too strict with her and told her I don't like to force her to do anything.  I started drinking now and I'm fine with it but she thinks its an act.  But I'm not faking it, I kinda like it now.  I really want to go back to the old days when we use to go out together everywhere, but I really want her to be comfortable with it.  recently I've been letting her do as she wishes, to go out with her friends, even if she doesn't feel like brigging me along.  I want her to know I don't mind whatever she likes doing.  She has an image of me in her head now that I can't seem to change. The image she has of me is a guy who doesn't know how to have fun. What can I do to change that image.
-----Answer-----
Hello Mo!

It sounds to me like she doesn't WANT to change the image - not that she can't.

She doesn't have the right to tell you how to have fun. If you had a good time at parties without drinking, that's your choice. She doesn't have to feel bad about it at all.

Let me tell you exactly why she's going out partying without you: she's looking for someone new. She's looking for male attention. She obviously can't do that with you around. She has no issues with whether you're drinking or having fun or not. Her issue is with her own activities which she doesn't want you to know about.

You need to reconsider this relationship. A relationship is based on two people that are better because they're together. She should want you with her at parties and everywhere else! If you're not invited, there's a reason. Ask yourself whether or not you really have a relationship with this girl or not. It doesn't seem that way to me.

Then, sit down and ask yourself what type of relationship you really want. Is this it? I personally think you deserve better than this. Her actions aren't very respectful of you OR the relationship! This is a good time to get it out in the open and find out what's really going on. There's no image to change - just many things that are unknown.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"  

Answer
Hello again Mo!

It sounds like what she wants is for you to chase her, but not because she wants to be caught. She just wants to be able to tell people that she has a "boyfriend" so that she doesn't look like she got dumped.

Mo, with all the great women out there, why would you waste your valuable time with a game-player like her? She's not worth it.

Yes, change your phone number or just block her. Be sure to do the same thing with your email and IM too. Then, just feel sorry for any other guy she gets involved with. You really do deserve so much better than her.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
www.beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"