Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/1/2006

Question
So here's the deal (I'll try to make it short and sweet). I'm 27 and I just moved back to my hometown after a 3 year hiatus. The first weekend that I was back, I went out with my brother and some of his friends. One of his friends happened to be this attractive young female (i.e. 23). I wasn't really anticipating anything the first weekend that I was back, so I played her off a bit despite her apparent good looks and charming personality. The first night progressed as usual until later, when we began talking a little more extensively. We seemed to have a great connection (both emotionally and physically) even at the outset. Since we were staying at the same place (mutual friend) we ended up spending the night together - nothing physical happened. The next day we hung out again as the group had planned to go tailgating at a college football game. We had another great day, and ended up spending the night together again - we screwed around (for lack of a better descriptor) a little, but nothing too serious. The next day (Sunday) the weekend ended and I went home to start my new job (we live about an hour from each other). I thought about her a lot for the first part of the week, but then gave in and sent her a text asking her to come and visit me in my city on Friday night. She accepted and we made plans to see each other. We had another great evening. We grabbed a bite to eat, had some drinks, and later went back to my apartment to hang out and talk some. Much to my surprise, but enjoyment, she decided to stay the whole day on Saturday. We didn't do too much, but I really had a good time spending time with her. That night I invited her to come with me to visit my brother - who lives about an hour from both of us. She accepted the invitation, and we again had a great time. But of course, all good things must come to an end, and the weekend ended. But...we made plans to see each other the following weekend. I went to visit her. Everything was seemingly going great! On one of the nights of the third weekend, she asked if we were official. I said I thought it seemed that way - she smiled. The only thing that made me uneasy about that conversation was that there were some drinks involved, and I wasn't entirely sure about the sincerity of the conversation. So a couple days later I asked her about it. She told me she wasn't sure that she wanted to label our relationship at that point. Understandably (hopefully) I was a little taken a back by this response. Since that point, it has been a little weird and has seemed to almost have taken a 180. I feel like I'm struggling to keep her attention, and to make plans to see her. I'm trying to keep myself in the picture enough to stay in the picture, but not too much where I might annoy the hell out of her. And just so you have all the facts, I want to give you just a little background about her. She had dated another guy for about a year before we met. When we met they had been broken up for 3 to 4 months. She seems to be over it for the most part, although I do catch things in our conversations that may indicate that she is still mourning some. In addition, she just started a new job - her first out of college. To be honest that is when the weirdness between us started. I tried to be the supportive older guy that's been through it before, but I get the impression that she wants to tackle this one on her own. I'm really drawn to her, and feel like a million dollars when we're together. In hine sight I realize that I shouldn't have brought up the "dating" thing as she was beginning her new career, but I felt as though it was legitimate given our conversations up to that point. Since then, which has only been a couple days, I've tried to back away and give her her space to explore her new surroundings. The only problem is that I have some reservations about doing this, in the fear that she may forget me altogether. I really want to continue to see her and talk to her, and I thought she wanted the same, but now I'm not sure. I guess my question is this: Should I continue to stay away given the possibility that she forgets about me and us, or do I try a different approach? Also, do you think it was too much to bring up the dating thing so soon? Now I wish that I wouldn't have, but again I felt like it wasn't out of context. I know that there are other women, but she doesn't seem like she's just another one - she seems like someone that I could be extremely happy with! Let me know what you think about all of this and what you think that I should do.  

Answer
Hello Joe!

I'm going to answer your questions, but first, have you considered the issue of the distance? This is going to be quite a problem to overcome! Being an hour away from each other means that you can't just dash over if you feel like it. You have to do some planning and that is going to weigh on any eventual relationship that you have. For example, when she goes out with friends during the week, you're not going to be able to be there and the same with you. You might want to consider this as the most important point - I do.

In general, I always recommend against defining what it is that you have. As the guy, you're always better off letting her state it unless you're convinced that is what you want. However, it doesn't really mean that much either way. Let's say that you spent every weekend together, but never gave the relationship a name. Would it be any less a relationship? Of course not.

As far as the distance, I see men making this mistake all the time: they believe that by dominating a woman's time that no other man can come in and pick her up from right under their noses. That's not how the feminine mind works and in fact, if a guy tries to do this it works against him. Her mind can create value for you that you could never create on your own, but the trick to this value is distance. She has to have some time alone to do this.

Thus, giving her space right now is a very good thing. She has to miss you. If she doesn't take time to do this, then she'll eventually get the idea that you're all over her and that she can't breathe!

Here's what I suggest you do:

She'll likely be expecting to get together this weekend - just as you have done the past few weekends. Call her at the end of the week and say, "I have a busy weekend coming up and I can't see you, although I wish I could. Let's set something up for next weekend instead, Ok?" Then, you'll give her the space she needs while still staying in her agenda.

So, the bottom line is this:

1) Really think about the issue with the long-distance relationship. This alone could prevent you from ever getting what you really want with her.

2) Don't worry about bringing up the "dating thing." It's a non-issue.

3) Giving her some space right now is a good idea. Just have something else set to get back together.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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