Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/15/2007

Question
QUESTION: My name is Sebastian and I am sixteen. In the past there was this girl I liked, and I've liked her for three years. However, she hasn't really noticed me because she has been in love with this guy. They have gone out four times now and every time he breaks her tender heart. I like her enough to let her date him but I feel utterly responsible for her pain. I want her to be happy but then I feel somewhat selfish and wish she was mine. But no matter how hard he hurts her, she always come back. Am I crazy for liking her for so long? Am I crazy for wanting the best for her? It's not like I am saying I am worthy enough for her but the guy she's dated is not worthy for her at all. This doesn't happen with just me, there are other guys that would die to give the chance to go out with her once but her heart is so strung out over him. What should I do?

ANSWER: Hello Sebastian!

Oh! Aren't you the gentleman? You're "letting her" go out with someone else while you're worried that you're being selfish for wanting her yourself. How quaint.

Sebastian, really! This isn't about your chivalry at all. It's about you not wanting to take the risk of getting rejected and so you're not going after her. Instead, you're just sitting back waiting for her to notice you and do all your work for you!

The bottom line is that you can't make these sorts of decisions for her - they are for her to decide - not you. What you CAN do is offer her a better alternative. If she realizes how much better things could be, then she'll make better choices. If she doesn't that's not your problem anyway!

It's that simple.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Very understandable, but I have asked her out before, three times, all of which i did know her as well as I do now. We are friends but every single time I asked her it was I came on too strong. What is your thoughts on that? And it's not like chivalry was first merely her happiness.

Answer
Hello again Sebastian!

This isn't about you "coming on too strong" - I don't care what she's told you! That is just pure misdirection. What's she's really saying is that you have no value in her eyes. In effect, she doesn't want to waste her time.

Let's say that you were Brad Pitt. Do you really think she'd claim you came on "too strong"??? Of course not!

This is about status Sebastian. By waiting in the wings and trying to be a gentleman, all you've done is proven to her that you're a coward. That attitude doesn't work for you, it works against you every single time. Women crave our power, not our chivalry.

I fear you've lost this one. You can try again but just telling her that she's going to go out with you, but frankly, don't expect much. I suggest you start focusing on some new talent - and don't be the chivalrous jackass any more. Be the guy of power and substance you can be. That's like panty-grease to girls!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"