Expert: Catherine Ridenour - 1/3/2008

Question
Hi Catherine!
I noticed that your daughter also went undiagnosed for 14 years! My daughter was finally diagnosed in July of 2007 after years of being dubbed ADD/ADHD, ODD, IED and finally Bipolar. Aspergers seems like a walk in the park compared to all of those issues! However, I was wondering if you can tell me...does it get easier as they get older? My daughter is at the hormone-crazed teen stage and is also dealing with this issue. Thankfully, I have been spared the makeup/dating/boys teenage fun, but she is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with. She's got the maturity of a 7 year old with the attitude of a 15 year old.  :(  Does this pass?

Answer
Hi Dana,

Yes,it does pass. Adolescence is a very hard time for A.S. teens and their parents. You are right on with the maturity lag time. Her emotional age will be 3-5 years behind her physical age but she will continue to progress. By the time she's 23, she'll be nearly adult in maturity. The social skills still will be an issue, but the coping will improve.

Set firm and reasonable boundaries and use logical consequences. For instance, she should have chores like doing her own laundry. The natural consequence for not doing it is not having anything to wear. Maybe she won't care, but most girls do. If she throws a tantrum and breaks something, you do not replace it for her. She has to earn the money to replace it. Perhaps by doing extra chores.

I strongly urge you not to use the word, "maybe." A.S. kids think in absolutes and if you say you might allow something, she's going to hear "yes." So, if you really can't commit on the spot, tell her you have to think about it and will give her a firm answer at a given time.

It is important to balance protecting her with letting her try her wings, as with any other teen. I would let her take driver's education at the normal time, for instance. If driving is too much of a challenge (many A.S. kids have trouble knowing where their body is in space and relating that to the position of the car on the road) you can always delay the actual license until sufficient practice has been achieved. Our daughter got her license at 20.

Do encourage her to stay in school and find her passion in life. If she's an artist at heart, that's what she should do for a career. Look up Dr. Temple Grandin's book "Developing Talents: Careers for Individuals with Asperger Syndrome and High-Functioning Autism".

Most importantly, take care of yourself. Don't stand and let her verbally abuse you (a common thing for A.S. teens). Take an adult time out. Go to your room, (install a lock on the door) and read a book.

Believe it or not, one day she will look at you and say, "I love you, Mom" and mean it with all her heart. A.S. people do have normal emotions and the ability to love, they just need time to learn to identify them and express them.

Best wishes,
Catherine